Joy to the World

Joy to the world.

It has been a wonderful Christmas season.  We have been focusing on one of God's greatest gifts.....family.  I love watching how our family has morphed and changed over the years.  Some have gone home to be seen again in the sweet bye and bye and one long awaited little one we will get to meet early in 2013.  Of course, there was a special air of celebration as we welcomed Jacob to his first Christmas season.

We spent Christmas out of town at my sisters home.  It was a blessing to be surrounded by family who has supported us through all stages of our adoption and have enjoyed getting to know our new little man.  Jacob did surprisingly well once our routines were reestablished in our new environment. 

At my sister's and brother in law's church I was especially blessed by the message from Pastor Eric who spoke on joy.  One thing he said has stuck with me and I dwell on it often.....that joy is not a result of our current situation or our emotions, it is a gift from God. 

Joy is a fruit of the Spirit and we cannot know true joy apart from Christ.  He offers a joy that lasts beyond a few presents opened on Christmas day.  Joy is not dependent on one's bank account, health, or amount of facebook friends.  Christ offers a joy that goes beyond the material things that bring us happiness on earth.  It is a joy you feel down to the tip of your toes, you hear in the early bird's song, and brings you life in the midst of fear and shame.  It is a joy that whispers in your ear it's love for you when you don't have the courage to face another day. 

It is hope for our blended and newly created families.  Adopting Jacob has allowed me to experience and recognize even more my sinfulness and unworthiness, but has increased exponentially my gratitude (and my joy!) for my Savior.  My heart is bursting at the seams with the joy given to us that first Christmas day. 

Update on Jacob:

We had a huge week of appointments leading up to Christmas and here is where we now stand:

Early Intervention: Three lovely ladies came out to do Jacob's developmental  assessment.  Let me tell you, these ladies breathed life and love into me as they doted over our son and "oohed" and "aahed" at the things he was doing.  They were positive, encouraging, and great with Jacob.  When the time came to share the results with me, instead of giving me a laundry list of things Jacob couldn't do, they told me, "Well, you qualify for our services and it makes the most sense to send in speech therapy."  Starting early January, she will be coming to our home once a week to work on developmental skills but focusing on speech, oral desensitization, feeding, and she will help work on strategies to wean Jacob from the bottle before surgery.

Pediatric Dentist: Good news!  Jacob's teeth look good.  We will begin seeing him every six months and are blessed that he has a specialty in working with cleft lip/palate children.  We have been able to begin brushing Jacob's teeth and despite that he doesn't like it (and I suspect his mouth is pretty sensitive to just the feel of the bristles), he opens his mouth without much of a struggle.  We will not know if Jacob will get his front teeth but the dentist will help us maneuver these waters when the time comes (I believe that involves a bone graft from the hip and implants but we're just hoping for front teeth!)  He told us to prepare for a good relationship with an orthodontist someday.

Cleft Lip and Palate team: This was a long day at the Cincinnati Children's Hospital.  It started with an ENT where hearing tests revealed mild to moderate hearing loss.  They suspect this is due to chronic ear infections and recommended he receive tubes which they will place during his lip and palate surgery.  They hope his hearing will improve once these are placed.  We then headed to genetics where they educated and prepared us for surgery and gave us some interesting information on institutionalized children and development.  We will be continuing to see them during follow ups with the cleft team.  They also gave us some feeding suggestions and special cups Jacob will need to be using pre and post surgery.  We then headed to see the doctor who has been greatly praised in our community for his work on cleft children in Cincinnati......Dr. Billmire, our plastic surgeon.  He made us laugh the minute he walked in the room and said to Jacob, "Well son, looks like we have a lot of work to do."  After assessing Jacob, he decided he will be trying to repair both the lip and palate in one surgery.  Otherwise, if he starts the surgery and decides not to do the palate, that will be done a few months down the road. 

What about Jacob?  Well, we are all making progress.  I knew this when I was sitting at the salon yesterday in blue foils and a shower cap reading the children's hospital surgical guide.  I couldn't stop the tears when I was reading about the anesthesia and began to think about the procedure.  It was almost unbearable to think about sending him into the OR alone, or surgery for that matter.  We are doing the work of bonding as a family.  Jacob has made his own progress as we have watched him seek out our eye contact in unknown situations and seek out our attention to share his interests. He has an adorable personality and we are working through finding healthy ways to get our attention (he seems to have a "knack" with finding negative ways to get attention.)  We have been blessed to have this time with him and are thankful we didn't rush into surgery when we arrived home.  Lots of work to be done, but God is the provider of the joy in the midst of the work! 

Joy to the world, the Lord has come!

Adoption. Is. Hard.

This week I was reading a magazine put out by Focus on the Family.  Since November was adoption month, it was highlighting "realities" of adoption from real families.  One woman said something I think I will remember for the rest of my life.  She said adoption was not a destination, it was a journey. 

Looking back over our long wait I can see where all our dreams and hopes rested on what we thought would come to fruition on the day Jacob was placed in our arms.  It looked something like this: He would be given to us and suddenly the heavens would open.  A beam of light would shine down on him and a voice would say, "This is your son, in him I am well pleased."  (Haven't I heard that somewhere?)  There would be a new star in the sky for him, a new Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor would be dedicated to him, and our family would be perfectly happy and complete.  Then reality hits and we find our home is actually in a state of confusion, disillusionment, and often repentance and shame.  Adoption is hard, and for as much as we felt like we had prepared ourselves, it's not understandable until you live it....even then I'm not so sure. 

To an outsider, it doesn't seem we should have many problems.  Jacob is adjusting well socially and emotionally.  We can love all over him and he can love us back.  He even leans in for kisses and in an adorable way unique to the cleft lip child, he leans in, opens his mouth and puckers the best he can when he wants kisses.  He is also sleeping through most nights.  Huge victories and I'm sure parents everywhere are saying...."lucky you!" 

All of these feelings and challenges have forced me to take a step back and reflect on where God is when life gets so hard, especially when you have taken a journey you believe to be steeped in scripture and an outpouring of your love and obedience to Him.  Thankfully, this mental journey is not a hard one and I have never questioned where God might be in our struggles.  I have felt Him inside me this whole time. 

I was blessed to be a pupil of a remarkable Sunday School teacher.  There was a lot he taught that I'll never get, but two things have stuck with me and changed my Christian worldview.  The first was about the catastrophic effects of sin entering the world.  When man first sinned and was kicked out of the garden, it affected not only human beings but all of nature.  Until the world once again becomes as God intended, we will never be free of evil, cancer, earthquakes, hate, violence, broken families....the list goes on.  Sin is in this world and we will never escape it nor will we escape it's effects, whether they are a direct consequence of something we've done, or something someone else has done.     

We were meeting with our eldest son's preschool teachers for a parent conference.  Our discussion inevitably led to how he was adjusting since Jacob came along.  We shared a small part of our victories as well as our challenges and this opened up a discussion about how God works through adoptive families.  One of the teachers had a friend who had adopted older sibling pairs.  She shared that they have and still have immense challenges not only with their adoptive children, but also the effects it has had on their biological kids.  She wondered aloud why God didn't intervene due to the sacrifices of the parents.

I'll tell you what I told her.  My husband was sitting beside me and I had Jacob on my lap.  I circled my finger over the three of us and said, "We are not what God intended for Jacob.  In a perfect, sinless world, God created the family as husband and wife giving birth to their children and raising them."  That is the perfect scenario where our children would feel loved, safe, and flourish in the arms of their parents.  I then told her, "We live in a world corrupted by sin.  Sin's effects have left us with broken families and hurting children.  It doesn't make Jacob any less wanted by us and it doesn't mean that we don't think God blessed us when he was given to us, but we fully understand that in living in a sinful world, we will have to help bear the burdens and consequences that have occurred with the breakdown of Jacob's family."  These may include (but are certainly not limited to) issues of trust, abandonment, fear, neglect, and all the effects that living in an institution for 20 months can bring. 

While I'm stirring the waters a little, I want to say one more thing.  We will never tell Jacob that God created him for us.  How selfish would that be?  We wanted a child and family so God gave us what we asked for.  Now you, dear son, get to deal with the consequences that that brings such as dealing with cross cultural and identity issues, wondering if your birthdate is correct, not knowing any familial history, as well as dealing with why your birth parents did not fight to the ends of the earth for you.  Ouch!  That's reality when your adopted and certainly something he will deal with.  Why would I present a God to my son that could cause such inner turmoil because I wanted a child?  Do I believe God united Jacob with us?  Yes.  Do I believe his referral to our family was random?  Absolutely not.  It brings me comfort to know God believes we are up to the task of caring and loving Jacob with all the right and privileges of a biological child, but I don't believe God created an orphan so I could be a Mother.

What's the other thing I learned from my favorite Sunday school teacher?  That one of our goals in life should be to always pursue knowing God more and that the work done on the cross changed everything.  That's what I will tell Jacob when he wants to know about God and has questions.  That even in this world of sin, God changed everything with one sacrifice.  We are redeemed.  What does that mean?  He came and took what was His own.  That's why you were created dear one....for God.  No matter what we deal with in life.....the sins of our biological parents, our adoptive parents (the list is already pretty lengthy), and even from ourselves.....we have been redeemed.  One sacrifice for all. 

This is what I cling to that gives me hope.  Even in the midst of my struggles where I am hardest on myself for my mistakes, I can be thankful that I can keep pushing forward and keep trying to do better because I have been forgiven.  It's what will make me a good parent to my children.  It's what we all have.  The hope within us is for all.....the widower, the unemployed, the person in chronic pain......the adoptive parent.   

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."--(Romans 5:6-8)

Before I go, I want to thank everyone who has reached out to us.  Thank you for the meals....thank you for the emails.....thank you for the calls (and even the return calls when I didn't call back).....for the interest.....for the kind words.....for the authentic way you have reached into our lives and helped us know we are normal and we have hope.  You have carried us and we love you!  A quick update on Jacob: Next week we have a ton of appointments including seeing the craniofacial team, a pediatric dentist, and early intervention will be coming in to help us with his developmental needs.  We have also gotten started with a physical therapist church friend who specialized in pediatric development (you are awesome!) and she has gotten us started with a lot of good things for Jacob.  Will keep you posted!

Lean Not On Your Own Understanding

Doing a puzzle with Grandma

Our first week home with Jacob has been a roller coaster of emotions.  Dealing with jet lag and doctors appointments have almost consumed any energy and coping skills we have.  Monday was the hardest day.

Cincinnati is blessed to have the International Adoption Center (IAC) at the Cincinnati Children's Hospital.  It is comprised of a team that includes a social worker, nurse, and physician who specialize in internationally adopted children.  The physician is an adoptive Mom herself of three children.  On Monday, we had our post adopt appointment.  This consisted of a review of systems by a nurse, an evaluation by the medical doctor, an evaluation by an occupational therapist, and a visit with the therapist.  It was a long day and was topped off with one TB test, 2 shots, and 13 vials of blood drawn (yes, you read that right....13! I about died when I saw her pulling them out.) 

We received a lot of information that day and here is the summary:

Referrals: We are being referred for consultations with urology and the cleft lip and palate team which includes a plastic surgeon, ENT, and genetics specialist.  Jacob is also to have an appointment with a pediatric dentist, and receive a hearing and visual screen.  We will await results that tested for parasites in his stool and all the titres to see if his immunizations are effective (hence, all the blood drawn.) 

Developmental: Jacob is in the 12-14 month range in nearly all developmental tests with the exception of speech where he rated a very low 6 month score.  Between the differences in language and his cleft lip and palate, I can't see that the testing was reliable for our little guy (did it test what it was supposed to test?)  I imagine in about a year after starting to make sounds from the English language and actually have a palate to make those sounds, his scores will be much better.  On an up side, everyone has been impressed with his social skills and how easily he has "taken" to Chris and I. 

Body Measurements:  Jacob is near the 50th percentile for weight, 15th percentile for height, but has dropped off the scale in head circumference measurements.  We don't know what this means or why this has happened.  When we received our referral in July, his measurements placed him in the 10-15th percentile for head circumference.  Doctors say the slow down in head size (which reflects brain development) may be due to various factors including poor nutrition, poor stimulation, genetics, etc.  This was not news Chris or I had been prepared to hear. 

As you can imagine, we were overwhelmed with it all and trying to process what it meant.  We were ready for the developmental delays but not in the slow down of his body growth.  It was a difficult night.  (Thank you to our neighbors who provided dinner that night....I just didn't have the energy to cook.) 

I once again found myself back on that roller coaster of fear and doubt.  But God, in his infinite wisdom and faithfulness, placed people and his word in my life to remind me who was in control. Not a test that tells me of a multitude of developmental delays.  He's bigger than that. Not an upcoming series of surgeries that will likely last well into Jacob's adolescence.  He's bigger than that.  Not even after the crushing news that Jacob's head was not keeping up with the growth curve.  God can certainly speak more truth into my life than a silly measurement tape.  I have had to choose (and keep choosing) to lay my burdens at His feet.  And when I take them up again and realize how heavy they are, I have to remind myself to give them back.  It allows me to open my eyes to the blessings around me when all you want to do is crawl under the covers.  And open my eyes to his blessings he did...... 

• The blessings of watching Jacob figure out how to crawl down the steps and to get off a couch without pitching himself forward.  The blessings of getting him to take some slightly thicker liquids with a spoon this week.  Watching him use sign language for "Daddy" when my husband was out of the room.  Today, he actually matched a puzzle piece to the right spot.  Victories.  Small, but they are there and I don't want to miss them in my discouragement or take away the celebration of these moments because I allow fear to enter and steal my joy. 

• Our immediate family was quick to listen and remind me that this child was given to us by his Creator.  He was meant for our household and God must believe we are up to the task.  They promised me their support and their prayers and that they would love our son no matter what.  My sister told me I was a "good Mom" and my sis-in-law reminded me of my resourcefulness and had faith that I was already researching brain building activities and food on the internet (Guilty!)

• A new "Preschool Mom" friend was touching base with me outside the classroom and a conversation that began innocent enough gave me a platform to share my struggles with the news we had heard the day prior.  She told me of two of her friends who courageously fought for their children who had great medical needs.  As we shared tears together she reminded me of the power of a Mother's love.  A reminder I needed to hear. 

• Even just the blessings of a friend emailing me to tell me what a joy it was to hold our sweet baby.

They are small things but each add up to give one courage for the days ahead and joy in the present time.  I am holding tight to the verse in proverbs written below.  I will not lean on my own understanding.  I will not lean on tests and measurements.  I will trust in the Lord.....with all my heart. 


Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

Another Spin on the Carousel



Homecoming


I am always amazed at the lessons I get in my own selfishness.  Years ago as a newlywed, I came to understand in a great way how selfish I was.  One night when I was wallowing in my "misery" that I wasn't getting my way about something, I realized how unfair I was in trying to manipulate my husband to get what I wanted.  It was like God put a yield sign in front of me and said, "Look what you're doing and look at whom you're doing it to."  It was one of those gifts that changed my life and how I interact in it and with others.  It was a lesson to learn about my sinful nature but expanded exponentially my gratefulness for the cross.   

The lesson I received early in my marriage gave me no mastery of this selfish nature but it helped me to recognize it and take less spins on that carousel once I got on.  I had another real good bout of it after giving birth to my son.  I grieved heavily the loss of my independence and my choice to leave my profession to be at home. 

Jacob's first 30 hours in our home have been "challenging."  My frustrations hit their peak last night after  Jacob went down at 9:00 PM for his "nap" and awoke three hours later. He was not to hit a good deep sleep again until 7:00 AM, one hour before our other son gets up.  I took another spin on the carousel that night.  "Lord", I prayed, "I just need sleep.  How can I be the epitome of a parent that wants to bond when I am so exhausted and resenting where I am right now?"

So here I am the second night at 3:00 AM in the morning.  Jacob and I slept from 9:00 PM- 3:00 AM.  A huge victory.  Not only in the sleep but that I have gotten off the carousel.  I looked at him at 3:00 AM and said, "Good job little buddy." 

Getting off that carousel can be hard but I am thankful that I can.  I have had so much love and wisdom to get me this far:

• I have learned to forgive myself.  The redeeming work has already been done and I get to bask in it.....I have learned to grasp onto it so I don't miss the fullness this life has to offer that my inability to forgive could steal from me and my family. 

• I have surrounded myself with wise people. I have been blessed to have people that have spoken truth into my life and encouraged me.  I know genuine love from a remarkable and supportive biological family, a church family, and good friends.  It is the greatest thing in the world.

• I have adoptive friends that have been real with me.  They told me of their honest struggles and things to expect when we received Jacob.  What a remarkable gift that was.  There were times in China I looked at Jacob and thought, "I don't know if I can attach to you.  I don't know if I am selfless enough to be what you need.  What have I done?"  My friends told me these moments would come and when they did, I was able to see them for what they were.  Not a reflection of my love and dedication to Jacob but a reflection of my selfishness.  I did not wallow in the shame as I might have done had I not been prepared for these feelings. 

• I have focused on the positives.  Last night as I was praying for sleep there was some work being done.  For one, we were able to sit and be in the same room with the dog without screaming in fear (I think we may have even let her get a few sniffs in!).  Jacob and I also had some time alone to explore the house, play with a few toys and understand each other a little better. 

I know I will get back on that carousel again.  ("I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. Romans 7:15")  By the Grace of God, I have received the ability to get off. 

Welcome Home

Welcome Home

Tonight as you lie sleeping

For the first time in your bed,

There must be something lasting

And profound that should be said.

But as your face is gazed upon

Framed by your soft, shiny hair

No words can tell or quite express

The feelings that we share.

The wait is finally over

You're home, at last, to stay.

And there will always be the memories

Of the joy that filled this day.

With a love that's running over

By the sight of you alone

Welcome home, dear cherished one,

At long last....welcome home!

~Author Unknown

Coming Home

Our time in China has come to an end.  Many of my posts have been about what we've done and who we've met.  I wanted to dedicate this post while here to the little boy we came to get....Jacob.  Each day, as we all get to know each other better, we are showing more of our "true colors."  Every day has been a whole new discovery in who he is, and how we fit together as a family.  Here's what I have learned in the 1 1/2 weeks about our newest family member......
 

• He communicates very well.  Almost from day one he has been a "talker" (Heather- not so sure I'm going to get the verbal child break we were anticipating!)   Between Chris and I working with him on some basic sign language (signs for bottle, more, Mommy, and Daddy) and learning Jacob's different sounds and schedule, we have started to communicate in a way I believe has exponentially allowed us to bond.   Language and the ability to understand each other is so powerful!  He imitates us and has picked up on much cueing with little difficulty.  I remember the first time Jacob looked at me, pointed at something that interested him, and then verbally made a noise to indicate his interest.  A huge wave of relief flooded through me and I thought, "Okay, we can do this."   
• He loves mirrors and books!  Between looking at pictures and just the amazement that flipping pages brings, books have brought us not only great bonding opportunities, but has let Chris and I eat our dinner while Jacob played in his highchair.  "Goodnight Moon" immediately became our favorite bedtime book!
• Jacob loves to explore!  I was expecting some sensory processing difficulties but he loves to play so much that he overcomes a lot of this through his curiosity.  He retreated his hands the first time I washed them but after setting him back on the ground, he wanted to try it again.  The bath was a breeze because splashing water is too much fun (of course stacking cups in the bath water were also a huge draw!)  His fingers go into everything and grab everything from knives off the table to outlets.  I have forgotten what it's like to have a 20 month old!
• Jacob has no sense of safety.  He'd plunge head first off the bed and down a set of stairs if we let him.  I think I remember this is normal for this age but I suspect there was little "danger" in the orphange environment so our boundaries are much different.
• He is a snuggler!  The child will not go to sleep if he is not on you.  Mind you, not just lying beside you.  He must be on your chest.  I'm certain I will pay for this later but it has been so wonderful to snuggle up with him during our time in China.  I am thankful that once asleep, we have been able to transfer him into his crib with relative ease.
• His cleft lip and palate can be very entertaining:  He can clean out the inside of his nose.  A rare talent!  Another thing we have fallen in love with and will miss after his surgeries are the way the sides of his upper lip wing out when he smiles.  It makes us laugh! We have been thankful to be able to bring him home presurgery and know him as he was created....our beautiful son! 
• The kid has perfected the "fake" whine!  I imagine that served him well in the orhpanage and after the passivity and complacency we experienced from him the first few days as a family, we are happy to have him ask us for things!  (At least right now!)

Tomorrow we will leave China and land on US soil.  Jacob will be a US citizen as soon as he steps foot off the plane at our connection in D.C.  Our road ahead promises to be rocky with surgeries, therapies, and a new home life for all of us to adapt to.  But it's like my sister always says when we hike, "Slow and steady climbs the mountain."  If we only focus on getting to the top, we will never get the meaning that God gives us in the journey.  Six years after starting our journey to Jacob, I know this is true.  Had I not learned, listened, worshiped, and loved, I would have sat right down on the valley floor and never seen what God had wanted to teach me.  He has given us so much meaning in this life and we are blessed to be able to share this with Jacob.  This is the best legacy we can give him. 

Our beautiful son! 

 

The view from here‏

Throughout these last couple weeks, there have been some people that we have crossed paths with that have helped make our time special here.  I want to share with you some of the people and stories that have inspired us, given us hope, and made us feel like our family here in China is much bigger than we ever thought it would be...

There was the young lady we met at the civil affairs office when completing our adoption.  She was with her tiny little daughter who had a congenital heart deformity that would require surgery when she made it back to the states.  She told me she was traveling alone and her husband was home with their seven children, 4 adopted domestically and 3 from Ghana.  Her Dad would be joining her in Guangzhou to help with the long flight back to the states as her daughter would likely need to be on oxygen in flight and she was eager to have the help.  I asked her if she and her husband had to fight over who got to come to China and she said, "pretty much."  I told her she was brave and she said, "Brave or stupid."  We both laughed about that.

Then there were the multitude of American families that were at the medical checks. One child was missing her legs from her knees down and one arm.  One mom had left her husband and three sons back at the hotel room while she completed the check with their Chinese daughter with Down Syndrome.  One family in our group is adopting a 2 1/2 year old that is fully deaf in one ear and partially in the other.  Of course, there are lots of us with cleft lip and palate children.  Many adoptive families stay at the Garden Hotel here in Guangzhou as we all funnel through the American consulate.  It has been a time of celebration to take this path together and to share our stories.  

 

There are the Mengels from our agency who will hopefully be traveling in the next two months to pick up their son, Samuel, who is also from our orphanage.  We have been in contact with them since receiving our referrals and as soon as they learned we were making a visit to the orphanage, they asked us to keep an eye out for their son.  The day of our tour we were almost finished.  I was alone in the room where our kids played and I remembered that I was supposed to look for him.  I went back to the crib room and there was Samuel who had stayed in the room while the other children had crossed the hall with the nannies to another playroom.  It was like he was waiting for me to find him so his Mom and Dad could see his pictures.  I snapped some adorable shots of him on a rocking horse.  The Mengels were so excited to have the pics that night and I was so happy I found him.  It's what we do.  Adoptive families.  We are always looking forward and backward in what we can do to help each other.    

 

 There was the Chinese gentleman who stopped at our breakfast table one morning and said, "You adopting?"  He could not take his eyes off Jacob. He then asked if we would be repairing his lip.  I said "yes" and he began to cry.  He said, "I get very emotional.  I'm glad he will go to a good home.  You are good to take him."  I told him we were blessed.  He said, as he touched my shoulder, "Yes, you are blessed."  

 

We met Amy, one of our adoption agency's Chinese coordinators while in Beijing.  She was telling us she commutes 2 hours one way to come to work but talked about how much meaning she found in what she does.  I asked what she did with her time while on the train and she said, "On the way in, I read my Bible, on the way home, I read something else."  She is one of my Chinese sisters in Christ.  

 

There is the family from Washington state that stopped us in the lobby.  They are adopting two cleft lip children while here in China, and have one biological son that had it also (they will have a total of 9 children after their time in China- 5 bios, 4 adopted.)  The wife told me how jealous she was ours was not yet repaired as she wanted another "crack" at the surgeries from the beginning.  We laughed and shared stories and she gave me lots of advice.  It is clear they are passionate about the orphan and feel God has called them to bring home their children.  Their stories of God's faithfulness brought tears to my eyes.   

 

There are many of you who have emailed from home.  Sending me pictures and telling me stories that have made us remember that we would be home soon and that we would be loved.  Thank you.  For as good as our time together has been in China, our hearts have pined for the familiarity, family, and friends that home promises. 

 

Of course, the ones I have met that have left the greatest impressions are the orphans themselves.  There was the little boy in Jacob's orphanage that sat in a tiny chair looking forlorn in the corner.  He had been dropped off that day by a police officer.  I'd say he was about 3, my biological son's age.  Each orphan we have met on the street, in our travel group, or in the hotel lobby has a story.  Some come from rich foster environments and others from cold environments where they lived in terror.  They are all survivors and I respect each one of them and pray they will thrive in their new homes.   

 

The experiences have been rich with love as well as pain.  It is clear that God wants to set the lonely in families (Psalms 68:6) and meeting some of those families has given me fuel and inspiration for the journey ahead.  We are not alone.  We are sisters and brothers who want to serve in an arena God has called us to.  It is not easy, and some of the kids we have seen will have much longer roads than others.  We are blessed with what God has revealed to us while here about His nature and about His people.

"Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows."

Isaiah 1:17

Two Days- Two Historical Adventures (Part 2)‏

While visiting the Terra Cotta Warriors was a wonderful cultural tour of part of China's history, on Thursday, we made a journey for Jacob's history.  We searched for his finding place.  Chinese are not allowed to place their children up for adoption.  Should there be a reason they cannot care for their children, they must abandon them somewhere.  Jacob was found outside the gate of a middle school.  The thought is that most parents abandon their children in a busy public place, where they will be found and cared for.  It brings some comfort in being able to tell one's child that their parents gave some thought to this.  Our guide was telling us that could Chinese families afford care for their children born to them with special needs, then they would not abandon them.  I feel for Jacob's birth Mom.  Making a decision to let him go so he could get the care he needed....I'm certain she had no idea even how to feed him.  I join many adoptive parents from China in hopes that someday there will be a safe way for these Chinese parents to come out of hiding so their children can find them.  This would require the government to choose not to punish familes for abandoning their children.  In the meantime, we as adoptive parents try to piece together as best we can our child's history, and finding his "finding place" is one piece of his puzzle. 

 

It was a long day.....8 hours in the car, 30 minutes of which was spent outside.  We traveled with the Lopez family who has adopted a daughter, Ailani, from the same orphanage.  We started with their finding place first.  A small village in the mountains.  Our guide, Sherri (who might just be the best adoption travel guide in the world!), advised that should they decide to get out of the car to get pictures with their daughter, that she should hold her.....foreigners were one thing but foreigners holding a Chinese child was a whole different story.  Ailani's finding place was a little less specific.  They only know that she was found somewhere in the village.

 

We then headed to the town where we would find the middle school gate that Jacob was found on 3/5/11.  Recess was just beginng so the school yard was full of children.  I wondered if Jacob would have gone to school there.  His finding place was very specific and there was only one gate to the entrance of the school.  It was a meanigful moment for Chris and I.  Chris hopped out and filmed while our guide got out with our camera to investigate the area.  She came back to the van and said she thought it was okay that I get out with Jacob to get some pictures.  We must have been a very unusual site when four adults and one baby get out and start filming everything in a 360 degree radius.  After some pictures with Jacob, I got back in the van while Chris, Sherri, and our new friend, Gilberto Lopez took some more pictures.  Gilberto even thought to grab me a few leaves from the area to press in a book and Chris found a rock.  We were definitely drawing a crowd and I was just happy to sit in the van with Jacob and try to take it all in.  People were busy working in the streets, and a lady was selling some type of candy treat outside the school.  The Chinese flag flew over the school and there was a beautiful Pagoda in the schoolyard.  The wonderful sounds of kids laughing and playing at recess with their beautiful asian smiles just added to the time.  It was a happy place, not the somber experience I was expecting.  I tried to envision so many unknowable things about the day Jacob was found....how cold was it?.....was it still dark out?....did he wait for long?....did his birthmom wait around a corner to see if he was found?....did he cry?....was he hungry?  So many questions we will never know.  Another puzzle to his life that has been added but so many others will likely never be known.  Perhaps Jacob will care, perhaps he won't.  Perhaps we will return to this school with him someday, perhaps we won't.  It's hard to know what will be important to Jacob, or what he will need.  On the ride back through town, as we descended a mountain, I felt very grateful for the day God had given me.  I don't believe I even shed one tear.  It was just such a blessing to be able to do this for him, and for us and we were ever so thankful that we are the last to "find" him.

 

Two Days- Two Historical Adventure (Part One)

On Wednesday, we went to see the Terra Cotta Warriors.  I knew they were described to be impressive but nothing prepares you for their awesomeness when you see them in person.  They were built 200 B.C. to protect an emperor in his afterlife.  They are made of terra cotta, and each soldier was carved with it's own individual features.  They are in 3 different "pits" and each pit is very different.  Fast forward to 1976 when they were discovered by a man building a well.  This began a whole new human feat.  As the 8,000 warriors have been excavated, only 1 was actually found to be intact.  The rest were smashed from an angry emperor coming through after the death of the one that built them as well as natural causes from the roof falling.  The thing that I have found while being in China, is the Chinese population are hard, purposeful workers.  It was interesting watching the excavators work to tediously piece together the warriors one by one as they work toward the goal of restoring all 8,000 figures.  If they cannot piece together a part, then they remake it out of the clay around the soldier.  It's takes about two years to do this.

As I laid in bed that night, thinking about this patience and persistence I realized that adopting Jacob is not much different.  It will take patience over the long haul and as he navigates through all his questions and feelings, we will all be there to put those pieces back together for him. More importantly, he was made from a Potter that will allow us to do this.  Really, what the Potter offers is the only thing that will make us whole.  With God, we will work with purpose over the long haul, loving Jacob and creating our family, in whatever pieces it comes in. 

Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.  Isaiah 64:8 

 

The Highest Highs and the Lowest Lows‏

 

This was one of those days that you live through and later realize you had a greater glimpse into the depth of love that God has for us.  You know that kind of love?  The kind of love where you feel that he cares about the littlest detail in your life and wants you to have it.  Not that we could ever understand it and with our sinful natures, we won't ever fully grasp it, but some days I think we open ourselves up to experiencing and recognizing it a little more.  How much the Father does love us.

 

After breakfast today we headed off to the Children's Welfare Institute of Weinan City, Jacob's home for the last 20 months.  Entering the courtyard I knew it was going to be a nice facility.  The outside was decorated with colorful murals of nature and children's scenes and there was landscaping with various statues of small animals.  There was also a beautiful fountain right in the center of the driveway entry.

 

Chris decided to stay outside with Jacob as we felt it best not to bring him in.  I was the lone representative from our family.  We entered the building and were ushered into a sitting room with coffee tables full of seeds, fruit, and vegetables.  The orphanage director was seated on one couch and the rest of us (two adoptive families, our agency staff, a city official, and orphanage staff) were seated on couches around the room.  We visited for a while and listened as our translator told us what was being said and our pictures were being taken by the orphanage staff.  The director welcomed us and said he hoped we would return in the future with our families and he was happy to see the children were getting placed in good homes.  There were lots of smiles and "Xie Xies" going around.

 

We then toured the facility and got to see where Jacob spent the first 20 months of his life.  I saw his crib and the area where he played.  There was Chinese music in the background and lots of sunshine coming in the windows.  His nannies are clearly loved by the children and it was a blessing to see them interact.  The family we have been traveling with brought their daughter on the tour and it was touching to see her nanny tear up when she had to say goodbye.  She needed a few moments to herself and as she passed me I reached out my arm to embrace her shoulder.  I am so thankful for the work they have done to get our children to this point.

 

We also had one unexpected blessing.  We had been told that we could not take pictures once inside.  But between the orphanage staff taking pictures and my agency taking pictures for waiting parents, they decided we could take some so our guide ran out to get my camera.  I was able to get for Jacob some pics of his crib, the nannies, and the room where he played. 

 

I am thankful to be able to add today to Jacob's journey.  Someday, I will tell him all about the Chinese children's music that was playing on the DVD player and the bright, beautiful murals that were painted on the wall.  I will tell him about the open window and the bright sunlight that was streaming in.  I will tell him about the love and care I witnessed in watching the emotions of the nannies and the gentle care they gave.  I will tell him that our guide said it was one of the nicest orphanges she has seen.  But the one thing I will also tell him is the sense of relief and thankfulness I felt when I exited the building, knowing that Jacob would never spend another night there.  Good as it was, it's not a home.  It's not what God intended in raising our children.  I couldn't hold him close enough as we waited outside for our group to finish.

 

We were eager to be back "home" after another emotional day.  Jacob laid down with Chris to take a nap and it was then our little son began grieving.  It was very hard for all of us.  I have been ready and waiting for it but it doesn't make it any easier.  Our little one mourned inconsolably for over an hour and we just held him and matched his grief with our own tears.  I told Jacob how sorry I was for the losses he was experiencing and I told him how much I loved him.  I wished I could do something to help his pain but I am also thankful he is letting himself grieve.  It is said this is an important and necessary part to the process of bonding and attaching. 

 

I have no idea what tomorrow will hold.  Sometimes grieving in this way lasts for one day, and sometimes months.  But I know that I will be there again, to cry with Jacob and share his losses, and tell him how much the Father does love us.

 

Lamentations 3:22 – 25

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him. ” (NIV)

Gotcha Day: China Adoption November 4th, 2012

Before I tell you all about our little Jacob...the real reason you have come to read this post, I want to share with you the few hours prior to meeting him.  We were dropped off at our hotel from the airport and had about two hours to organize and get ready to leave.  As we were trying to imagine what the next few hours would hold, I began to reflect on the hours just before Ethan, our biological son was born and how different their "births" into our family have been. 

I had given birth to Ethan naturally and without medications. While the physical pain was great, it's effects were short and quickly forgotten when he had been placed in our arms.  In contrast, the couple hours prior to Jacob's arrival were peaceful.  I was able to freshen up, have something to eat, and we even had some time spent in prayer together with another adoptive family we are traveling with.  Jacob's arrival bears little physical pain but has been wrought with emotional pain.  Unlike the forgotten physical pain with Ethan, this emotional burden will carry it's scars for a while as we navigate through surgeries, attachment, bonding, and change. 

We arrived to the Civil Affairs office late due to traffic and found the elevator was not working.  As we headed up the steps to the sixth floor I began to hear crying and just knew that it was Jacob.  He was sitting alone in a chair when we entered the crowded room and yes, it was Jacob that had been crying.  As you can imagine, the Caucasian man and woman approaching him with the oddest expressions of joy, heartache, and fear was not the answer he had been seeking in response to his cries.  Chris clicked on the camera and I knelt beside him as he sat in the chair.  He made little eye contact with me and I was trying to be very patient as I knelt in front of him.  I wasn't sure grabbing him in a crushing hug and telling him I had waited my whole life for him would result in the outcome I was hoping to achieve!  We made a little headway in giving him a bunny (Thank you Elli!) and a toy car.  Eventually, we just decided to hold our hands out in the universal "would you like to be picked" sign and up came his arms toward us.  From then on (at least as of this writing) there have been very few tears! 
 

Jacob sitting in the chair with bunny.

In our arms at last!

Jacob's cleft is pretty severe so that has and will take some getting used to.  We are still fumbling through keeping him clean in this region as well as the greater challenge of getting him fed.  Unfortunately, we received very little information on the type of bottle and formula they were using, and when and how they feed him.  Please be in prayer for us here as we are still struggling through all this and getting him fed has been very stressful for me.

Feedings.

Jacob is slowly letting us see more and more of his personality.  He is into everything and loves pictures of faces and mirrors.  He also is "talking" to us, pointing at things he likes, and seeks our eye contact to make sure he has our attention on the object he is focused on.  This is all very good and helps for bonding that he wants to include us in his interests.  We have enjoyed standing in front of the hotel mirror together and letting him not only see himself, but see us holding him.  It is also clear that he loves balls and cars so he and Ethan should hit it off right away.....until they both realize this means they will want to play with the same toys!

I have to say the day was full of emotions that were all over the map.  From: "What the heck have we done?" to "This is one of the greatest days of our lives."  I imagine we will have many more days like that but one thing I know, we are full of love.  Even in the moments when we fear or our hearts ache from missing Ethan, we feel God incessantly whispering his love to our hearts.  Today as we were struggling with getting Jacob to take a bottle, I began to cry and God did not let me grieve for more than a second when he laid the words on my heart that he would not give me more than I could handle.  He assured me that He specifically knows that this child will thrive in our home because He has chosen us to be His parents.  For now, even in the midst of this emotional roller coaster, that is enough.  It is all I need to know. 

On this Gotcha Day, our dear, long awaited and wanted son, it is all you will ever need to know.  Not only that we love you, but that your original Gotcha Day came out of the greatest love, over two thousand years ago on a cross.  It is enough.   

Nihao, China!‏

We are finally here!  China, the birthplace of our youngest son.

The weather today in Beijing was cold and rainy but nothing seems to be able to dampen our spirits.  Everything we do seems to have this sensation that something greater is yet to come. 

The Forbidden City was extraordinary but counted as nothing next to why we are here.  Climbing the Great Wall increased our heartbeats and our breathing but will never compare to how they will cease when we hold you the first time.  The food is delicious but provides mainly the nourishment needed to sustain us on our journey to Jacob. 

Tomorrow is the day we have been waiting for.  Life for all four of us will change.   

The last 48 hours have been a whirlwind of emotions, culture change, and exhaustion.  Yet in the midst of these challenges, God gave me a blessing when we arrived to China.  The airport was busy and our guide had been delayed in traffic so was not at the designated area when we were supposed to meet.  As you can imagine, this created some stress for us.  When she finally arrived and we began to head toward our car, she reached up and touched a cross necklace I was wearing and said, "You a Christian?"  I shook my head yes to her and she said, "I'm a Christian.  We are sisters."  We then hugged each other and laughed.  Even in the midst of my conflicted emotions, stress, and loneliness, God takes the time to remind me that He is here on this journey with me. 
 

Nihao, China!  We are finally here!

A Matter of Perspective

Yesterday I had a check up with my pulmonologist.  He is in charge of taking care of my lungs and takes his job very seriously.  I started seeing him 11 years ago after a spontaneous pneumothorax surprised us all.  From minute one in his office, after a welcome handshake, we are all about lung business: radiographic results, breathing analysis, medication checklists, exercise regimen, breathing challenges, mucous....well, you get the point.  He is always on time.  He lives and breathes (no pun intended) lung health.  All business.  So, it was no surprise when I told him 6 years ago we would be traveling to adopt from China, he told me to come in to see him before we traveled to "that dirty place."

Perspective.  It's interesting when we take a look at our lives and see how our perspectives shape so much of who we are.....our interactions, what we put our time and financial resources into, how we see things, places, and people.  It shapes our worldview. 

From my perspective, going to China will be one of the greatest journeys in my life.  It has given birth to and cared for our son who will finally be with us in a little over a week.  What gratitude I feel for the country.  What thankfulness I have for the Chinese that have clearly cared for him well and gotten my child to his 20th month of life without a needed surgery.  This gratitude and thankfulness is so great that it supersedes my fear of language barriers, traveling challenges, safety concerns, money exchanges, adoption proceedings, bonding issues....and yes, environmental concerns.  It is a country that right now holds my son and has given me permission to come get him, bring him home, and raise him with all the rights and privileges of a biological child. I do believe I may have to restrain myself from hugging every Asian person in sight when we get off the plane!

I now have a plethora of inhalers, oral medications, and room air deodorizers to get my "lungs" safely to China and back.  I am thankful that my doctor has taken such good care of me.  But from my perspective, clean air or dirty air, polluted cities or smoky hotel rooms, it doesn't matter.  I only have my eye on the prize.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Hebrews 12:1-2.

Surprise......you have a support system!

Last night we went to a surprise party.....our surprise party!

Our dear friends and family orchestrated a beautiful evening for us to celebrate our upcoming family expansion.  The night was full of family, friends, celebration and thoughtful details that came together to make a marvelous symphony of love and support.  Let me tell you about it and what it meant to us.....

There was authentic Chinese fare.  Not just a couple main dishes and rice, but a smorgasbord of various Chinese textures, flavors, and colors.....some with unexpected spice!

Dessert.  My favorite part of any meal!  Brownie cupcakes placed and decorated to resemble a dragon with individual dragon sugar cookies on the side and a mish mash of other cookie desserts! 

Beverages.  Hot tea and water at every table and bottled Chinese beer.

Gifts.  An adorable necklace with a picture of the maps of the U.S. and China side by side that were connected by a string looped into a heart.   A three disc DVD set, "Baby Learns Chinese" that I have been "eyeballing" for awhile.  A special diaper bag that says, "Ni Hao China".  In it were various travel size items to help with our physical needs while traveling as well as a collection of manila folders with advice on traveling, attaching, and surviving to address our emotional needs. 

Awesome?  Indeed.  But, all of it paled in comparison to the best gift of the night.  Being surrounded by friends and family who support us.  It was clear through the night not only that we were celebrating the beautiful child we have waited for, but we felt that we would be supported moving forward.  I have confidence that an army of people will be there in the small details as well as the insurmountable challenges.  I not only know that I will be loved, but that I am surrounded by a community that wants to help me raise Jacob in the best way I can.  They know that supporting me is supporting him. 

My sister and her husband made the drive from Raleigh to Cincinnati and she told me tonight that it was clear I had a good support system in our adoption.  No doubt about that.  It could be seen not only in the genuine excitement I saw on their faces last night, but in the time they have invested already in helping us succeed when Jacob comes home. 

As I have said in previous posts, God has used these last six years to prepare my heart and give me peace, strength and perseverance for the days ahead.  But He has also surrounded me with a network of people who have helped me to understand the unique challenges of parenting an adopted child and have given me the courage to do so.  Just last night one friend was being hard on herself (you know who you are) about her parenting decisions.  The group of us could easily see that the object that was so frustrating for her, was a HUGE victory for her child and it reflected the hard and intentional work they have poured into her life.  There it was again, that network of people who surround you and say, "This is hard, and you are doing the hard work, and look at how far you have come."  Amazing and an honor to be a part of. 

A quick update: I will pick up our Visas tomorrow, the last puzzle piece to a massive paper chase!  We are now working on final packing details.  I bought an Ipod on Craigslist over the weekend because I can't be without my Christian music in China!  We are writing and meeting our new, extended "family" members whom we will travel with and a group of us who are bringing home our children from Weinan.  The excitement of our group is impossible to conceal!  We learned this week we have received permission to visit the orphanage (big answer to prayer!)  We are enjoying this time in the process and the excitement it brings.  I leave you with a quote from a letter I received from a friend last night.  Meaningful words to remember while we are away that reflect the support we are so grateful to have.

"Just focus on getting home.  You have family and friends you can lean on once you are here, and we will make sure you are taken care of.  If the number of days between now and home seems overwhelming, just focus on getting through today.  And if that's too overwhelming, focus on getting through the next hour or two."

Thank you my dear friends and family for our party, but more so for loving us.  It is this love and support that will get us to China and home with Jacob. 

Divine Intervention

I was thinking back on this journey to Jacob the other day and wondering what I will tell him when he asks me why we decided to adopt.  Why did we decide to adopt?  It is a really good question. Even with the exciting and unexpected news of our pregnancy with our oldest son four years ago, the first words out of our mouth (after our initial awe and celebration) was that we would continue to move forward in our adoption process.  It was as natural a result to us as breathing, but we were still asked by many if we would still be adopting. Signing our names to the dotted lines of our initial paperwork was as much a "conception" experience in our minds as making a child through natural means.  The saying in adoption that one's child is not grown in a belly but in one's heart was just about right!  So I return to my original question: Why did we decide to adopt and build our family in this way and why did this path seem so natural?

Was it when I was a teenager and realized I might not be able to have children due to a genetic anomaly?
Was it when I shared this news with my husband (who was then my boyfriend) and we both agreed that we wanted to partner and be parents together in life and it did not matter how we made that family?
Was it when we went through years of trying to naturally conceive a child without success?
Was it when we received two negative pregnancy results after two failed IVF attempts?

No, I can't say any of that was "the reason" we have stubbornly set our heart and minds to a process that has been wrought with delays, steep financial commitments, self sacrifice and delayed gratification.  The desire to adopt was placed in my heart, not by my mere human experiences, failures, and interactions, but by One who has redeemed what was rightfully his own.  When I was in grade school, I gave my life to Christ and accepted Him as my Lord and Savior.  As I have grown, studied his word, and "known" Him more, I have given myself over to Him.  I believe the peace given to us through this process is a product of Christ within me that has given us the strength and surety of our path.  It is as if my mind and body were given over to a force greater than anything I could handle alone and without a Deity involved.  The desire is as old as time itself.  God caring for His own and redeeming what is His.   He has used us, as imperfect as we are to open our lives and bring us to a place where Jacob can have a home, and we can have the family we have always wanted.  It is a miraculous partnering when we open up ourselves in obedience to Christ. 

It is this partnering that will give us courage to board the plane November 1st.  To leave one son behind while we go get another (I do believe it will be the first time I will experience my heart being torn in two!)  We can hardly contain our excitement!  We have been busy with getting our home ready for our new arrival, filling out, sending, and organizing our paperwork, packing for the trip of our life, and thanking the good Lord for all He has done!  I am amazed at the community of adoptive parents out there that have reached out in support by sending us packing lists, giving us advice on travel, celebrating this "romantic" period with all the excitement it brings, and genuinely walking in support beside us!  You are an amazing group and I thank God for you!

We have little left to do in the way of "official" appointment arranging and paperwork.  We are awaiting the arrival of our Visas and last travel packet from our agency.  The rest of these three weeks will fly as we pack, and make arrangements to leave Ethan with his Grandparents for two weeks.  Keep your prayers coming!  I can see God's hand in even the smallest of details.....this week we learned that we will be traveling with a family from Arkansas for the entire two weeks we will be in China as their daughter will be coming from the same orphanage: The Child Welfare Institute of Wei Nan City in Shaanxi Province!  With the slow down in Chinese adoptions, the guarantee of having a travel group had ceased so we are very excited to be traveling with them!  Even yesterday, more answered prayers as someone at church had been specifically praying for us that Jacob would be home by Christmas!  I have often said that some of you have prayed for me in times when I was weary of praying.  Thank you for filling in the gap my Christian friends....even now, you continue to do so!

I suspect as we wrangle with the challenges ahead, of bringing together a blended and multicultural family, I will find strength in knowing that this was God's design for our family.....this beautiful pairing of a child that needs a family, and a family that wants that child with all their heart.  It's as natural as breathing.

Hurry up and....wait.

Hurry up and wait.  It is a common practice for those of us waiting to adopt, and this week did not disappoint.  In the span of 5 days we received travel approval from China (yea!), made our appointment at the American Consulate, booked our international flights, and sent away applications for our Visas!  Now........we wait. 

Waiting.  The word has taken on a whole new meaning to me in the last 6 years.  I wish I had a nickel for every time I told someone we were "still waiting."  The length of our wait even inspired me to make myself a T-shirt online that said: "L.I.D (Long, Irrational Delay)."  For those of you a little behind on your China adopt lingo, L.I.D. stands for "Log In Date".  It's the date we were placed into the Chinese computer and started our "wait".  I'll be happy to never say that word again in reference to our adoption.  I'm ready for the wait to be over and have Jacob in our arms. 

But one thing I can say without a doubt, I wouldn't trade a minute of waiting to miss what God has shown me through this time.  Mostly, it has been a lesson of trust, dependence, and perseverance.  To stray from this course at any time was never a consideration in our mind.  The strength of our resolve and the blessings of this sweet time with the Lord allowed an intimacy with Him I wouldn't have known otherwise.

An encouraging church friend wrote me this week after reading my last post and said 2 Tim 1:7 came to his mind, "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline." He then went on to say, "Do not let your fear make you timid.  Remember our God is one of power and love.  You have practiced a lot of self-discipline to get where you are at this time so continue to rely on God." After reading that, I thought, "He's right!  How did I so quickly let go of 6 years of faithful waiting and the lessons I have learned, in the face of this new fear?"  God is faithful!  He has been, He is, and He will be....no matter what! 

I remember a very poignant time during our wait that has gotten me through many long days.  Chris and I were sitting in the movie theater July of 2008 watching the movie "Fireproof."  We were 16 months into an adoption wait that was "supposed" to be only 18 months long.  We were beginning to see the handwriting on the wall.....that the China adoption program had put on the brakes....okay, more like come to a halt and we were beginning to feel the emotional burden of this unknown.  While watching the movie that night, a song called, "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller, came on.  I would have sworn he had written it for me and meant for me to hear it that night.  Sitting in the theater, sobbing quietly, I resolved that no matter how long I would wait, I would continue to serve the Lord with a loving and faithful heart and I would hold no bitterness while doing so.  I opened my life to whatever He wanted to teach me during that time. And teach me He did.  He taught me about a Love that goes beyond anything I could ever want.  One that could fill any hole I could ever have, and could make this wait a joyful and promise filled one. 

I think we are always waiting for something.  Let's not let the work of the Lord and the joy He wants us to know in this world pass us by while we wait.  May the words I heard that night speak also to your hearts: 

While I'm Waiting :

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Carry Me Over

"Deprived of a caretaker who touches and cradles her, the growing child cannot learn to bond with other people or to even process sights, sounds, and sensations.  Without the sound of human voices, a child's brain does not develop language comprehension or speaking skills.  Without looking at colors and textures, a baby's brain simply cannot develop the neural pathways it needs for visual skills."  The Connected Child, by Karyn Purvis. 

When asked this last week how we were doing, I said we were, overall, doing well.  Excitement is certainly the emotion that bubbles first to the top but underneath that lies something I have tried to keep pushed down.  I have done my best to suppress it, always worrying it would take the joy from this time and would leave people to think I wasn't excited to be bringing Jacob home.  But even with my best efforts to keep it pushed down, all too often, it seems to make it's way to the top and threaten to pull me under.  That emotion is fear. 

Fear, to this magnitude, is not something I have ever struggled with.  I remember the jitters of excited fear when standing in line for a roller coaster.  I can remember the "empty stomach" fear as I studied for and subsequently sat for my physical therapy boards.  I can even remember fear when I looked at our first son and wondered if I'd ever figure out how to be his Mommy.  But this fear is much different.  It's grounded not in parenting a child from another country, or even in bringing a child into our home through adoption.  It is grounded in the worry that I won't be enough to help my child heal.  That I will miss an important sign or message that he needs, or even worse, that he will never be able to get to the point that he does need me.  It is a gut wrenching, heart aching, and lack of feeling control kind of fear.

A friend this week, who is about to welcome two boys into her home that she will be fostering, shared with me her same struggles with feeling anxious.  She told me how her 10 year old son reminded her that being fearful was like we weren't trusting God.  Ouch!

This week in my studies I read about Esther.  Talk about fear!  She was faced with the choice to either say nothing out of fear for her life, or go before the king to save the Jewish nation.  You remember the story, her uncle (by the way, Esther was an orphan) told her in Esther 4:14, "And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this."  Esther then went on to save the Jews through her courage and boldness in addressing the king.  Interesting, it was not how Esther overcame her fear that caught my attention in this scripture passage, it was the steps Esther did to face her fear and trust God.  She said to Mordecai, "Go, gather all the Jews to be found in Susa, and hold a fast on my behalf, and do not eat or drink for three days, night or day.  I and my young women will also fast as you do.  Then I will go to the king, though it is against the law, and if I perish, I perish."  I loved that prior to Esther facing her fear, she got her priorities in order: First, ask God (and gather your forces to help)....then, trust God. 

So, dear friends and family.  I ask that you go before the Lord in the next two months for our family and our son, Jacob.  Need some specifics?  Pray.....
1. We might be able to overcome any attachment dysfunctions, neurological alterations, sensory processing deficits, and cognitive impairments often seen in institutionalized children.
2.  We can work through abandonment, loss, and grief issues with patience and progress.
3. Jacob might be able to let go of any shame, anxiety, and depression that has become a part of our little survivalists life and he would then let Mom and Dad be the bearers of those burdens. 
4. Safety while we travel.
5. That Jacob would be healthy without any illness when he joins us. 
6. For our 3 year old son that will be away from us for two weeks while we are gone (while your at it, throw Grandma and Grandpa in there who will be watching him.)
7. That we might be patient with each other in our transitions at home and away. 
8. All our documents would be up to date, with all information required for processing, and that our adoptive, medical, and American consulate appointments would go well.
9. That we might be able to visit Jacob's orphanage and the Middle School where he was first found.
10. That Chris and I would stay healthy on the trip, free from illness from food or water borne illnesses.
11. That no repair has been done on Jacob's lip and palate before we get him.  We would like to be with him through that process. 

Thank you always our dear friends and family for your love and support.  Our time has finally come!  Today, we received our travel approval and hope to get our American Consulate Appointment (ACS) by Monday.  We will then have the green light to book our flights and the date Jacob will be placed in our arms will be confirmed!  We are very excited........now, onto that second step I learned from Esther.......Trust God!

Rescue Me by Selah

• Songwriters: Christopher Eaton, James Todd Smith

Deep is the river that I have to cross
Heavy the weight on my shoulder
I have discovered how great is the cost
Of trying alone to cross over
I try and I try but the current's too strong
It's pulling me under and my strength is gone
Don't leave me stranded

Rescue me, my God and my King
Water is rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap Your arms all around me and
Carry me over, carry me over
(Rescue me)

There is a bridge that is easy to cross
While all of our burdens are lifted
Peace is the land that is waiting for us
Lord, give me faith to believe it
Cause I'm in a storm but I'm willing to fight
I'll overcome and I will not die with You by my side

Rescue me, my God and my King
Water's are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over, carry me over
(Rescue me)

I will sail over the oceans and
High over the mountains and
Soar up to the Heavens
Here is my hand is my heart
And my soul and my mind

Rescue me, my God and my King
The water's are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over