Monday, July 21, 2014

Ode to the hot dog

Ode to The Hot Dog

Dear Mr. Hot Dog I don't understand,
why children in this world think you're so grand.

You're a mystery meat, your insides atrocious;
to pronounce what's within you takes someone precocious.

Yet despite this poor attitude,
I owe you some gratitude.

For tonight my child so sweet,
started to chew on your meat.

He took a tiny bite and then shoveled the rest in,
I beamed with pride (the pieces were cut thin.)

We had hit a milestone with you as our aid,
Tonight our child chewed, as we had often prayed. 

And dear Mr. Hot Dog I could not love you more,
Come over whenever, you are welcome at my door!

Friday, July 18, 2014

20 months in, 20 months out.

Jacob just after our adoption.

The other day, Jacob and I were reading through his lifebook and I said, "Look, Jacob, there's your nanny that took care of you.  It's your Ayi (Chinese word for aunt which is the name traditionally given to nannies.)  Where's your Ayi?"  Without missing a beat he pointed to his eye.  I laughed and said, "I guess it's official, you're Americanized."

This month represents the half way point of Jacob's life in a Chinese orphanage and his life with his forever family in the U.S.  20 months in, 20 months out. 

It seemed like something big should happen.  Someone should set off Fireworks.  Throw us a party.  Name a star after us.  March around with our family on their shoulders.  I mean, shouldn't the fact that we have officially had more influence on his life than any other caregiver mean something?

Jacob this past April.

Of course it does, but what I have learned over the last 20 months is that Jacob's brain has been forming and growing since he was born.  Every experience, every fear, every victory, every smile, every interaction, has molded his brain into what it is today.  And I know that I can't go back and undo all those synaptic connections that occurred with his experiences.  But at the same time, I know that his brain is plastic, and I know that I can create small synaptic side roads of hope, that can blossom into 10 lane highways of achievement as we create for him an environment of safety, healing, and one that gives him voice in this world. 

20 months later I can still see some maladaptive behaviors (from all of us), but 20 months later I also see small gifts that give me so much hope.  His hand running through my hair, his arm seeking comfort by touching and stroking my arm, his evergrowing smile that seems more freer and more present than ever before.

Jacob is not the only one to have changed over the last 20 months.  His mama has.  I have known love in greater ways than I ever thought possible, in every meaningful relationship, because Jacob has come into my life.  But, the biggest love experience has come from my Heavenly Father.  He has sustained me in my fears, my inadequecies, and my failures.  He has reminded me of forgiveness and redemption which has given me freedom to get up every day and try again.  He reminds me that this journey was predetermined by Him and somehow, I get the privilege of walking it.  These 20 months of parenting Jacob has been side by side with the Lord.  It has been the best gift that Jacob has given me.  I will never be able to thank him enough for it.  In so many ways, I am the one that has been changed the most.  433 months in, 20 months out (let's not do any big numeral calculating here, people.)


I love you Jacob.  Here's to many, many, many more months of learning and loving together.....and creating more synaptic connections!