My journey to becoming one less orphan

"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let

God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.

Then you will learn to know

God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."

Romans 12:2 (NLT)

I once heard a Pastor talk about the exodus of believers in the church.  His theory seemed simple: When people receive Christ's salvation, they don't come to grips with the actual ugliness and realness of sin in their life, so at their first post conversion hardship, they bail on God.  I nodded my head in agreement.  So many Christians find it difficult to look within themselves and recognize not just their salvation, but the great need for it in their personal lives that took a perfect God to the cross because of his love for us.....for me. 

If someone had told me 2 years ago that the adoption of my son would shatter my view of Jesus Christ I would have laughed.  My foundation as a believer was solid.  Part of our journey to Jacob was due to our trust and faith in the Lord and obedience to Him.  In my imperfectness, I tried the best to make him the center of my life.  How could bringing a child into our home through adoption, one that we had wanted for a long time, affect my Christian discipleship?

As a former youth leader, one of the models we used to assess how our youth were growing in their faith was when they reached a point where the Great Commission (“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20) was imbedded in their hearts, minds, and actions.  It was when they came to a point where they wanted to share Christ with the world and go beyond their personal salvation.  I was well at that point by the time I entered High School.  Looking back, I realize that although I knew that the Gospel of Jesus Christ was not a matter of works, I somehow still found that it was in works that I best expressed my love of Jesus.  I was active in service.  I believe it is one of my spiritual gifts.

It was in the adoption of Jacob, where my life suddenly went from a life of service (and ease in my faith), to a life of need.  I had never been in actual Spiritual need and hunger before.  In the process of trying hard to attach to a toddler that didn't know (nor seem to want to know at times) how to be a part of a family, I found myself holding on to God for dear life fearing mostly that I did not have what it took to help Jacob through life.  What I found is that when I hit the bottom rung of the ladder of selfishness and shame, I felt incapapable of being the Mom I wanted to be.  For a woman that had excelled at service, I found it difficult to serve and meet the needs of my precious little guy.  I couldn't seem to grit my teeth and successfully do the hard work that needed to be done.  I felt inadequate in that we had waited a long time to bring Jacob home, with a lot of excitement around his arrival, and at times I felt so much shame and isolation in that I could not seem to make this work.  I often wondered if God had really given me what it took to be an adoptive Mom. 

It was at this place that God found me.  He picked me up, cradled me in his arms and whispered this, "You can not be an adoptive Mom until you let yourself be adopted."  Suddenly, my separation from my almighty Father consumed me, my undeservedness for what He had done was bold in my life, and my sin, shame and selfishness were revealed to me like never before.  I was an orphan.  I had nothing apart from Christ.  In my journey to embracing my adoption as a child of God I learned to live joyfully in the freedom that the cross had brought.  I got up every morning and thanked God that because of his works, I could be sinful, and still do the work of helping Jacob heal, integrate into a family, and flourish. 

Once I came to that place, I was able to let go of my expectations that I needed to do everything right and the feeling that I alone was responsible for Jacob's welfare.  It was in this place that our healing could really begin........both for Jacob, and for me. 

We found ourselves surrounded by a joy that is indescribable despite the circumstances we were and are facing.  A love that goes beyond the bonds of family and brings true healing. 

Two years ago today my sweet boy came into my life and started in me a renewal of my mind in being a daughter of the King.  I am more aware of how unworthy, despicable, undeserving, selfish, and sinful I am than ever before......and I wouldn't change it for the world.  It was through this that my debt to Christ expanded expontentially, as did my love and need for the Savior.  The joy and gratefulness has seeped into every aspect of my life and has transformed me.  My darkest hour became my most defining, and I wouldn't change a thing.

I could spend another hour writing about the amazing things that Jacob has accomplished and the incredible love and unity that we have come to as a family.  The amazing work that has been done to help Jacob connect and feel safe and secure in his environment and yes, even to thrive and flourish.  But, in the case of Jacob, I'll let you take this journey through pictures of our amazing little boy......come on, for many of you, that's the only reason you are here!

 

Referral Photo at 1 year

Meeting our scared little guy for the first time.

Visiting Weinan Orphanage

 

Finding Jacob

All together for the first time.

My favorite smile

 

Just after surgery

 

The face of discovery

 

First swim

 

Climbing my first mountain

 

My loves

 

One blessed mama

 

We love you Jacob and are so proud of the hard work you have done and are still doing.  Thank you for loving me everyday.   Today we celebrate the day we both became one less orphan. 

 

 

 

 

Ode to the hot dog

Ode to The Hot Dog

Dear Mr. Hot Dog I don't understand,
why children in this world think you're so grand.

You're a mystery meat, your insides atrocious;
to pronounce what's within you takes someone precocious.

Yet despite this poor attitude,
I owe you some gratitude.

For tonight my child so sweet,
started to chew on your meat.

He took a tiny bite and then shoveled the rest in,
I beamed with pride (the pieces were cut thin.)

We had hit a milestone with you as our aid,
Tonight our child chewed, as we had often prayed. 

And dear Mr. Hot Dog I could not love you more,
Come over whenever, you are welcome at my door!

20 months in, 20 months out.

Jacob just after our adoption.

The other day, Jacob and I were reading through his lifebook and I said, "Look, Jacob, there's your nanny that took care of you.  It's your Ayi (Chinese word for aunt which is the name traditionally given to nannies.)  Where's your Ayi?"  Without missing a beat he pointed to his eye.  I laughed and said, "I guess it's official, you're Americanized."

This month represents the half way point of Jacob's life in a Chinese orphanage and his life with his forever family in the U.S.  20 months in, 20 months out. 

It seemed like something big should happen.  Someone should set off Fireworks.  Throw us a party.  Name a star after us.  March around with our family on their shoulders.  I mean, shouldn't the fact that we have officially had more influence on his life than any other caregiver mean something?

Jacob this past April.

Of course it does, but what I have learned over the last 20 months is that Jacob's brain has been forming and growing since he was born.  Every experience, every fear, every victory, every smile, every interaction, has molded his brain into what it is today.  And I know that I can't go back and undo all those synaptic connections that occurred with his experiences.  But at the same time, I know that his brain is plastic, and I know that I can create small synaptic side roads of hope, that can blossom into 10 lane highways of achievement as we create for him an environment of safety, healing, and one that gives him voice in this world. 

20 months later I can still see some maladaptive behaviors (from all of us), but 20 months later I also see small gifts that give me so much hope.  His hand running through my hair, his arm seeking comfort by touching and stroking my arm, his evergrowing smile that seems more freer and more present than ever before.

Jacob is not the only one to have changed over the last 20 months.  His mama has.  I have known love in greater ways than I ever thought possible, in every meaningful relationship, because Jacob has come into my life.  But, the biggest love experience has come from my Heavenly Father.  He has sustained me in my fears, my inadequecies, and my failures.  He has reminded me of forgiveness and redemption which has given me freedom to get up every day and try again.  He reminds me that this journey was predetermined by Him and somehow, I get the privilege of walking it.  These 20 months of parenting Jacob has been side by side with the Lord.  It has been the best gift that Jacob has given me.  I will never be able to thank him enough for it.  In so many ways, I am the one that has been changed the most.  433 months in, 20 months out (let's not do any big numeral calculating here, people.)

I love you Jacob.  Here's to many, many, many more months of learning and loving together.....and creating more synaptic connections! 

The Hard Work of Redemption

Today we invited into our home the Jones family from PACT (Parenting Adoptees Can Trust).  They are coaching us in the TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention) method, a training developed by Drs. Karyn Purvis and David Cross out of the T.C.U. institute of child development.  From their website:

TBRI^® is based on a solid foundation of neuropsychological theory and research, tempered by humanitarian principles. It is a family-based intervention that is designed for children who have experienced relationship-based traumas such as institutionalization, multiple foster placements, maltreatment, and/or neglect. For the past ten years, Drs. Purvis and Cross have been implementing and evaluating TBRI^® , and their strategies have proven extremely effective in creating healing environments for children who have come from “hard places.”

Tonight we started with the parent interview, tomorrow we start with training, and the next day we get to apply it ourselves with the skillful coaching of the Jones family. I am so excited about this. It is no secret to me what brought me to this point. The work of the T.C.U. folks on this parenting model is straight from the heart of God. It is rich with an amazing balance of structure as well as re-do's, forgiveness, and praise. It sees through behavior and straight to the beautiful heart behind it. It works hard to breaks down walls of fear and shame and build them back up with love, value, trust, respect and authentic relationships that are forever. It is a story of redeeming the true child.

I can look back and see how God has guided me closer and closer to this model of parenting my children as he has shown me that I have my own issues of fear and distrust in God. As I turned to Him I have needed to see that I am valued by him, and I am enough to parent my children. He has given me immense re-do's and forgiveness while gently correcting me and letting me know when I was out of line. And just tonight, He put His beautiful fingerprint on the end of our day when our 5 year old son, Ethan, told us he wanted to ask Jesus into his heart. God reminded me once more, that he is central to the work of redemption of all our family.

Now off to bed! Lots of redeeming work going on in the Lutz home!

"Cleft Lip and Palate? Oh, they can fix that."

Throughout our adoption wait, and especially when we received our referral, many well meaning people in our life would say this...."Cleft Lip and Palate?  Oh, they can fix that."  While I know most people meant well, there was and is a lot of ignorance that went into that phrase.  What I would normally say was something polite like:

"Yes, it's incredible what they can do surgically now for these children." 

But here is what I really want to say, now that I am a mama to a cleft child:

"Yes, they can fix the large gaping hole that is so evident in their beautiful faces but just so you know:

• The average cleft child will endure seven surgeries to create just the right aesthetic and functional mouth they can possibly have by the time they have fully matured.
• If they are lucky enough to still have an intact eardrum after all the ear infections they had while institutionalized, nearly all cleft children will need PE tubes.  Should they not have them put in, then 25% of cleft children will develop a growth around their eardrum that must be surgically removed.  Let's also talk about what all this does to their hearing, resulting in further  delays in mastering expressive speech and sometimes requiring them to get hearing aids.
• Did you know that many institutionalized cleft children are malnourished?  They have difficulty getting the oral mechanics needed for sucking to get good nutrition.  Imagine what this does for early brain development and cognition. 
• So, what about the teeth?  They are at greater risk for cavities. Their teeth often have small, weak or defective areas in the enamel that are more prone to decay. Their saliva can be thicker, which reduces its natural washing action in the mouth. Their teeth can be crowded, which can make it hard to brush well. These children also have a high risk of some tooth irregularities such as missing or extra teeth, abnormally shaped teeth or teeth in unusual positions. Most of us are told to (at the minimum) expect orthodontic work, but some children at around 6-10 years of age will need to prepare for bone graft surgery.  The cleft of the tooth-bearing part of the jaw needs to be repaired with an alveolar bone graft if this had not been done at an earlier age.  To prepare for this bone-graft surgery, it's often necessary to put the tooth-bearing segments in better position in relation to each other so the jaw has a more normal shape. The front teeth in the upper jaw may need to be aligned if they are irregular. Oh, and by the way, children with a cleft are also at risk of having less growth of the maxilla (upper jaw) than of the mandible (lower jaw). If this growth difference is large, the child might develop an under bite. An under bite at an early age may need further orthodontic treatment.
• Now, let's talk about what looking different and sounding different might do to a child's self esteem.  Even one of the most popular cleft lip and palate foundations has resources on their website for anti-bullying strategies.  Surgery might help our children's faces look more symmetrical, but never will all evidence be removed that they were born different.  Many of our children will struggle with low self-esteem and figuring out how to navigate in a world where they look different. 
• For our family, almost 16 months after out first major cleft lip and palate repair, our son is still not able to chew solid foods.  Almost a year after initiating Physical therapy to assist in the motor aspect of chewing, I am still pureeing almost all of my child's food, seeing no evidence that he will begin chewing anytime soon.  Many cleft children have difficulties with food.  If not chewing than difficulties with consistency and textures.  Many have to learn how to keep their food away from fistulas in their oral cavity so food doesn't escape into the nasal canal. 
• Speaking of fistulas, did you know there are some families whose cleft children have had four surgeries to try to "plug" a fistula in the mouth without success?  Any fistula in the mouth is an area where precious airflow can escape which will then negatively affect speech output. 
• Can I just tell you about the debate that still exists on surgeries?  Some have potential side effects of sleep apnea and difficulty breathing.
• And no one tells you, in this "they can fix that" society, that there will be days where you open up the photo books and see pictures of "before the surgery", and wish that you could go back and spend one more day with that cleft baby.  (You see, many cleft Moms see their unrepaired children as perfect just the way they are.  To indicate to a Mother that "they can fix that" feels a little like they aren't acceptable until that is done.  We know that they are.)

So, yes, it can be fixed, but it is a journey of a cleft child's entire youth; until they are fully matured.  We will wax and wane between periods of surgeries, recoveries, and lots and lots of therapy in between.  It is not a quick fix nor a "one and done surgery."  It is the journey of a family united, working through the long haul to achieve the best possible functional outcome.  To say, "It can be fixed", minimizes the work, the sacrifices, the courage, and the joys that come from parenting a cleft child.  

That's what I would say. 

To an Unknown Mother

To an Unknown Mother:

I know that day was not what you planned,
As you looked at your baby, cradled in your hand.
I imagine you wished there was a different way,
As you sacrificially gave him another home that day.
I wish you could see him and his beautiful, bright eyes,
The ones that reflect you, who gave him his life.
On this day, especially, I think about you,
I wonder what it's like, what you daily go through.
I imagine you wonder whose arms he is in.
Where he is, is he cared for, are they loving him?
I wish I could reach across this vast world,
And let you know in my arms, nightly, he is curled.
He is loved, he is wanted, he is such a delight,
He is joyful, he is cared for, he is a beautiful light.
We want you to know, as we celebrate Mothers,
You are part of our family, and he to another.
We tell him of your love, a kind to be celebrated,
One that is ever present, though you are separated.
We want you to know we are grateful for our son,
Who is blessed to have two Mothers, not just one. 

-Jennifer Evans Lutz

Turning 3

It's hard to believe our baby boy turns 3 today.  3 years old!  I can't believe it....where has the time gone?  It seems just months ago I was staring at his picture willing him home.  Now, he sleeps peacefully and beautifully upstairs, as though he has been here forever. 

We have so much to celebrate!  The year has been a roller coaster of huge peaks but also deep valleys, yet here we are, thankful for every day that we have together.  The colorful balloons, brightly wrapped presents, and celebratory feel to the day testifies to the joy in our home to be celebrating with Jacob.

But catch me at the right moment, and you will see a sober, reflective woman who is haunted by the past.  By things she can't control and by days she can never have. 

Jacob's birth.  His first birthday.  The first half of his life......his first 20 months of snuggling, feeding, rocking, reading, discovering, laughing, learning, loving, trusting.....these will never be ours together.  Why do I have such a hard time letting go of this?

I know the answer.  After 16 months, I have fallen madly in love with him.  All his loss, all his pain, all his neglect, all his lack of touch, all the bottles he drank alone, all the nights he cried with no one to hold him.......I have felt the sting of this, and I wish I could take it away from him. I wish I could have been there.  I wish....I wish......

I wish love didn't hurt this much. 

But if it didn't, I wouldn't be able to look Jacob in the eye on our hardest days and see the behavior apart from the child.  You see, this pain of knowing his past has given me empathy, the cornerstone to building attachment with my son.  This pain has given me compassion, as I try to see how his past might color his present.  This pain helps me fight for him, in knowing he doesn't even know what he should be fighting against.

And so I let the pain have it's way.  I suspect it will always show up in some form on this day for years to come.  It comes in for a reflective visit, and then leaves as soon as the festivities begin.  It will always be a part of our story as a family and my journey as a Mom. 

Happy 3rd birthday to one of my heroes.  You have journeyed through more in 36 months than most people do in a lifetime.  You are loving, joyous, stubborn, wickedly smart, funny, and beautiful.  Your ever increasing hugs and snuggles light my day and encourage me in this journey of being your "mama".

I'm so thankful on this 3rd birthday, that love hurts this much. 

Jacob's Gotcha Day 11/4/12 at OneTrueMedia.com

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Happy Forever Family Day!

(One year ago we met our beautiful son.  The emotions and the story of his life and our year almost overwhelm me.  For this special celebration post, I want to write it to Jacob.)

 

November 4th, 2013:

 

Dearest Jacob,

One year ago WE met our precious, youngest son.  The pain of 6 years of waiting had culminated into this long awaited day. 

One year ago YOU lost everything you ever been connected to, everything that gave you security, and every person, site, sound, and smell that you had ever cared for.  One year ago your life was once again ripped apart. 

Our day of greatest pleasure occurred at the same time as your day of greatest pain.  None of us has come away unchanged.

In this process of ripping apart and joining together, we have learned so much about the love and work that goes into building a family.  A love and fierce commitment have been planted in our hearts for you and in this letter, I want you to know that we are committed to loving you well and doing this right by the grace of our Lord and Savior.

 

So, dear one, I want to share with you today, as we celebrate the one year anniversary of our Forever Family Day, what I hope to communicate to you the rest of your life….

1. We will create for you an environment of emotional safety, where you can trust us enough to share everything.....your joys and your struggles.
2. We will help you know your true and wonderful self.  Not one based on performance, or image.
3. We will be intentional about providing opportunities to teach and show you empathy and compassion.
4. We will help to reflect to you God's character by showing you patience, kindness, forgiveness, and love.
5. We will provide for you affection, nurturing, responsiveness, and sensitivity.
6. You will be safe, seen, and secure in our household.

The journey of this year has been incredible!  It brought tears to my eyes as I rocked you to sleep tonight thinking I couldn't imagine life without you in it.  Somehow, in the midst of your tragic story, God has allowed us to enter and be your Mom and Dad.  There could be no greater calling than to come together as a family bonded in other ways than blood.  I had no idea how greatly the experience would impact me nor how inadequate I would feel to take this road.  Yet, in the midst if your hardest days this year, you have reached out your little hand to embrace us, to laugh with us, to forgive us, and to love us.  Life couldn't be fuller for me right now and I wouldn't change a thing except that I might somehow be able to spare you of any pain you will face down the road of your life.

 

But one thing I know is that walking next to you at every step will be the One who created you and gave you life.  He will be your healer even as He has been mine this past year.  There is so much incredibleness to happen in your life, Jacob.  He has had his hand on you from the start, and has somehow allowed us to enter into your life and walk alongside you.  For this, we will be forever grateful.

 

We love you, forever-

Mom and Dad

Thriving

"Wow, Jennifer, he's thriving!"

One of my friends made that comment about Jacob last week and for that beautiful moment, I reveled in it.  I soaked it in for all the work that went behind it and thanked the good Lord for that moment of encouragement. 

Just a few hours later, we were back in the trenches, doing the same hard work and doing our best to keep making progress.  The word "thriving" melted into the background of my mind as I watched Jacob struggle through letting go and fully depending on his new family. 

I found myself saying, "Are you really thriving?  What does that mean anyway?"

The online Webster's dictionary defines the word "thrive" as to grow vigorously, to gain in wealth or possessions, and to progress toward a goal despite circumstances.  As I pondered the word and it's meaning one day in my car, I was listening to the CD "Struggle", by Tenth Avenue North and in the title track song were these words:

 

Hallelujah

We are free to struggle

We're not struggling to be free

Your blood bought and makes us children

So children drop your chains and see

 

There, in my car I realized, yes, he is thriving.......even I am thriving!  Thriving doesn't mean you have "arrived" and life has to be perfect.  It means we are pressing onward toward our prize.  It means that despite the struggles we have hope and can be joyous.  It means we keep doing the hard work, relying on God's love, and being thankful we get to walk this life beside Him.  Thriving is a process, not a destination.  It is a condition we can walk in when we trust our Savior. 

Close to mealtime that night, a time we often struggle with some of Jacob's anxieties, I picked him up and looked him in the eyes and said, "You don't have to do that to get Mommy's attention.  I love you.  You can just come and ask me with your words.  What you have to say is important to me." 

These words from me were evidence that we are both thriving.  He is learning to trust and depend on me, and I am learning even more how to meet his needs and provide the environment he needs to grow and heal.  We are "growing vigorously, and pressing toward our goal despite our circumstances."  Praise be to God.

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful; but his delight is in the law of the Lord and in His law he meditates day and night. He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall prosper. (Psalm 1:1–3—NKJV)

 

 

Tragic + Beautiful = Grace

Yesterday, I made up the bed of a 6 year old that will never sleep in it again. 

Today, I was baptized. 

One weekend.  Two events.  One more heartbreaking than anything I have done before.  The other, a glorious celebration and public declaration of my faith in Jesus Christ and my desire to serve him with my life.

It has been one emotional weekend.  Tragic and Beautiful. 

Yesterday we helped friends of ours, who had lost their 6 year old son in a tragic accident last month, move into their new home.  I stood shoulder to shoulder with parents who have experienced the most agonizing life event and one that we all fear.....the loss of a child.  I wanted so desperately to take their pain away and bring back their loud, carefree laughter.  I wished I could wipe away that look in their eyes that tells of an indescribable pain and haunting ache.  I wished I could give back to them what they had lost.  But I couldn't.  All I could do was move boxes, pack a fridge, make up a bed, pick up lunch, and just be heartbroken with them. 

Today, I stepped forward in front of witnesses and declared my personal relationship with Jesus Christ and my desire to share this good news!  The setting and the morning were a perfect symphony of his creation.  Not only did the sun make it's splendid appearance, but the moon also stayed around for the event.  All of nature seemed to celebrate!  The very rocks cried out!  Perhaps I said it best in my written testimony to the leadership and pastors that baptized me with the following email: "My walk with the Lord and my dependence on Him considerably deepened this year with the adoption of our son, Jacob, from China.  In the months that followed, I began to come face to face with what a sinful, selfish "wretch" I was.  During this time, my feelings of hopelessness and shame threatened to take away the joy that living as a daughter of the King promises.   It was at this time that I immersed myself deeply into God's word, I breathed in his promises, and clung desperately to the forgiveness He has given us.  Never have I been so connected to my own sinfulness, and so reliant on the Grace that He gives.  God has been ripening me all year and baptism seemed like the perfect next step.  I have wanted to be baptized as an adult, but there has always been an excuse.  Lately, it's been, "but I don't want to be baptized in front of a congregation I don't know."  Then, Pastor David, asked last week what barrier might we have to baptism that would be more important than our obedience.  I knew that answer....nothing.  This has been my year of trust and obedience to the Lord.  I have wrestled with obedience too long (hence, the name of our son, Jacob), and I think I said it best in my blog where I have been chronicling our adoption journey: 'In light of my gratefulness for his redemptive work on the cross, I can respond with nothing other than obedience to what might seem hard and inconvenient. It's nothing compared to what I have in my Savior. Our journey to our son started with our physical adoption but has taken me to far deeper places, my spiritual adoption. Where Jesus Christ redeemed me and took back what was rightfully his. The way ahead promises to be hard, but my joy and my transformation are greater.' " 

Two profound, life imprinting events in one weekend.  One tragic and one beautiful?  No, both tragic, and both beautiful for the one similarity they hold: the hope we have through the grace God has given in His son, Jesus Christ.

Over two thousand years ago, Jesus Christ died on the cross for the sins of the world.  In this tragic AND beautiful event, God redeemed what was his own.  Because of it, I can be assured that our friends son is in the arms of a loving Savior, and I, too, attest that I shall be there as well.  Today, I stood in that water to tell the world of my love for the Savior.  I stood to say that my life had been changed and that even in the midst of unspeakable tragedy, there is a God that loves us so much, that He designed a way that we can be together with our Creator as well as each other.  In the midst of their tragedy, that is likely the only thing that can bring them hope.....the gift of the Savior.  Today, I stood in testimony to that.  To that beautiful gift given to me, to you, and to them. 

Two events.  Tragic and Beautiful. 

Before I close, I want to thank my dear husband for standing by me and assisting in my baptism today.  I have been blessed to be part of your spiritual transformations as I watched you give your life to Christ when we were in high school and then be baptized the day before our marriage.  It was a gift to share this one with you.   Thank you for forever being one of my three strands (Ecclesiastes 4:12.)

Six Months Post Cleft Lip and Palate surgery

It's hard to believe Jacob's surgery was 6 months ago!  Aside from the first two weeks post-op, the time has flown!  We are now in that sweet spot between surgeries where we can relax, enjoy each other, and work on development.  So, here is where we are six months later:

Feeding: If I take a step back and look at the big picture, Jacob has certainly made progress.....but it has been slow.  We still have to puree and mash most things but have found that if the edible item can be mashed with his tongue, then it is able to get down.  He's not chewing anything.  We finally decided to push for an outpatient speech referral through Cincinnati Children's Hospital with a focus on feeding.  We are doing this once a week and our homework includes "chewing" on a nuk brush dipped in something like mashed banana or peanut butter, and working on Jacob biting on items from the side if his mouth.  His therapist said he has all the components needed to chew....lateral tongue movement, and biting motions but he's just not putting it all together. Most of the food bolus just sits on his tongue and does not get pushed to the side.  He seems to be making gains in strength but if given the choice, will always pick the food that is easiest to get down with the least amount of work. 

Speech:  Along with our outpatient speech therapist we see once a week, we also have early intervention coming into our home once every 2-3 weeks.  She is wonderful and gives me great ideas on "playing with purpose".  I call her the pied piper because she can bring vocalizations out of Jacob better than anyone else we have been with.  He loves it when she comes over!

Playgroup:  Because Jacob is receiving early intervention, he can also attend their weekly playgroup.  This is an hour of sensory activities, fine motor activities, singing, and reading time. I have loved connecting with other Mom's in the group and watching their little ones make progress.  I am amazed at the challenges of being the Mother of a special needs child.  Some of these women are everyday heroes and fierce advocates for their little ones.  I will be sad to say goodbye to them when Jacob turns three next March.

Gross Motor Development:  Jacob continues to be in a gross motor class called Tumblebees where he gets to challenge himself with physical feats.  At any given class he will practice crawling through things, walking across balance beams, rolling, and swinging. You just never know what the crazy Kids First Gym ladies will think up for the kids to do in their circuits.  It has been a wonderful place for both my children to feel loved, encouraged, and challenged to do things outside of their comfort zones.  We have also started some work with a local chiropractor that is versed in DNS (Dynamic Neuromuscular Stabilization).  "What?", you ask.  From their site (Prague School), they believe "the nervous system establishes programs that control human locomotion, which is comprised of posture and movement. This ‘motor control’ is largely established during the first critical years of life. Therefore, the “Prague School” emphasizes neurodevelopmental aspects of motor control in order to assess and restore dysfunction of the locomotor system and associated syndromes."  We are only two visits in but the chiropractor and I are trying to identify any dysfunctional movement patterns Jacob has and help "rewire" his neuromuscular system to do things correctly.  It sounds complicated but can actually be done with some very easy manual cues to Jacob's body while he is doing his regular daily activities along with some reflex stimulation. 

Ears and Eyes:  We did have a vision screen on Jacob as there is an eye condition that has been associated with cleft lip children which can result in a detached retina.  The initial screening was negative but Jacob will need to be followed every couple years until he has fully matured as the condition often manifests itself later in development.  During that same week, we were shocked to go in for our ear visit and alas, Jacob had lost a tube!  We were not expecting this wrench in our plans!  Our surgeon decided to give Jacob a couple months off.  We will return at the beginning of August to see if he will need another tube put in his ears.  I know the procedure is minor but am not looking forward to handing him off to be placed under anesthesia again.  

Teeth:  We have great news on this front!  Jacob has two front teeth!  The "baby teeth" never emerged but he has two adult teeth waiting to come through.  Jacob's pediatric dentist saw them on xray at our last visit!  We've been told to save up now for braces!  Gladly! 

Verbal:  Our surgeon told us to expect very little progress in expressive speech before our next surgery for the P-flap.  While not all cleft children need this surgery, our surgeon prepared us that he felt it was highly likely Jacob would have it.  Although he has very little expressive speech, we have no trouble communicating together between sign language, sounds, and the minimal words he does say.  Should we need the P-flap surgery, that will be done summer of 2014. 

Making headway.....

We have had lots to celebrate over the last few months. 

• Jacob is now able to independently come up and tell us when he needs to eat (through sign language.)  Previously, he would do things to get negative attention and show signs of anxiety when he was hungry but now he is finding his voice. He finds it especially fun to tell us he is hungry when we finish our bedtime routine and are just about to put him down for the night.  Smart kid!
• We are finally on the head curve!  As of Jacob's 2 year follow up, we are back on the head circumference curve.  All those foods we have been giving him for "brain development" are working!
• Jacob came up to me about a month ago asking, unprovoked, for a kiss.  It hasn't happened much since but it was a special moment.
• We are working on getting Jacob to express his needs through signing or words.  He is very good at playing the tattling little brother role and instead of whining and stamping his feet to get my attention, we are working on him calling me "mama."  It is far from perfect but we are slowly changing these patterns and helping him find his voice.

Looking back, I can see that though the road has seemed long, we are making steady, forward progress.  Some days we make leaps and other days we take steps back.  Dr. Purvis who wrote, The Connected Child, talks of attachment being like money in the bank.  We work hard to make deposits, and build up our attachment wealth.  Then, there will be other days when we fail or fall short of what our children need and we have to withdraw from the account.  The goal is to stay and move forward in the positive.  I like this analogy and when some days don't go the way I wish they would, I can be thankful I have made so many other deposits. I feel confident that in the end, we will retire with immeasurable wealth. 

The Emotional Landscape of this Mother and her Son

The Emotional Landscape (on writing your child's Lifebook):

"Many adoptive parents gather information and sit amid airplane ticket stubs and trip photos, unsure of where or how to begin. For many, the emotional landscape seems daunting. Perhaps it is difficult to say or write the word “birthmother.” Dismal feelings related to infertility, once thought to be resolved, may unexpectedly arise. And how does one write that one’s child was placed on a street corner or that her birthfamily lived in poverty? Some parents find it healing to tune into their own feelings about their child’s early life experience while composing her lifebook. We can privately honor these feelings without “giving” them to our children. Later, when sharing the story of our children’s early lives, we can be emotionally present and available rather than caught in our own feelings about the material."  By Cindy Probst, an excerpt from her book. 

I am so excited as Jacob's lifebook has been started.  A couple weeks ago I began journaling and gathering his life story into a scrapbook format.  It is a way to document his life before we came into the picture so he can understand that his life began before us.  It is arguably said to be the best tool one can use in an adoptive and foster environment to allow children to understand their beginnings in an age appropriate manner, and to allow them to ask questions and engage in adoption conversations.  

In the excitement that had been building to be part of creating this and gathering (and seeking out more!) of Jacob's history, I was struck by some feelings that have not only taken me by surprise but have once again crept up into my life.....the fear of failing my child and the fear of not being able to give him information that may seem vital to his emotional development.  As I have tried to put into text and pictures what little I know and have been able to gather about Jacob's life before November 4th of 2012, I often find myself feeling despair.  If only I had the right connections.  If only I had asked better questions at the orphanage.  Why didn't I ask if a note had been found on him or if the clothing he wore was in existence?  If only I knew (fill in the blank), then I could finish that page of Jacob's life and bring him more closure.

The opening statement by Cindy Probst was exactly the emotional meltdown I was experiencing,  I had no idea the barrage of sadness that would envelope me during this process.     

Why do I cling so desperately to this hope that if I look hard enough, I will be able to find all the answers?  Could I help fill in that hole that will always be there when he realizes he knows very little about that part of his life? Is it that I think that having one more answer and piece to his puzzle would actually change the person he will grow to be and his self image?  Not likely.  If Jacob's self image is wrapped up in those first unknown and unknowable days and months of his life, then it will be a long road for us all.  And how can I ever expect him to move beyond these feelings if I can't?  The journey has given me a chance to face and digest my own feelings about his beginnings before I have to present them to him.  I am so thankful for that opportunity because when the time comes, I want Jacob to see that his life is a beautiful treasury of a story tinged by sadness and hope, sacrifice and love, and made into a perfect compilation to tell the story of God's redeeming love of our little guy. 

Even those of us who know the ones who birthed us, we are still far from our true self identity if we don't recognize that we already know the One who gave us life.  And He wants us to know Him intimately.  It is He that writes our lifebook and it is in Him that we must trust with the knowable as well as the unknowable.  He is the creator of our first days, our now days, and our next days.

I have a wonderful friend that has been helping me walk through this process.  Just her presence and help alone have given me comfort.  She reminded me once that a child's lifebook is a living document.  It can be changed and transformed as needed and as new information is found or thought about. 

And so, I will keep plugging away, always looking for more opportunities to fill it, and being thankful that I have been blessed to walk this journey beside our son.  This thought filled me one night as I was driving, having just finished the first four pages to his book.  I was thankful I had begun to put his life down and it gave me such a sense of accomplishment and excitement that I cannot wait to share it with him.  Our lifebook not only intends to be a tool for healing and learning for our son, but has also become a place of healing for his Mother as well.

 

Team Jacob: Four Months Post Cleft lip and Palate surgery

Many of you reading our blog have wanted an update on Jacob.  Here are some specifics for our family, friends, and for the new families in our lives who have also adopted children from Weinan.  Below is more than you will ever want to know about how we are doing post adopt 6 months and post surgery 4 months: 

• Drool (I told you it was more than you ever wanted to know): When Jacob first came home, we had to have a wipe everywhere we went.  About a month after surgery we began to notice his drool had significantly lessened and at this point, we are noticing it maybe once a day, especially when he is leaning forward such as in looking at a book.  We are trying to draw his attention to it when he does drool so that he has an awareness that it is on his face.  We do this by telling him it is there, asking him to wipe it, or modeling on ourselves how to get it off.  Jacob is clearly having more oral awareness.  Not only do we see his tongue starting to explore the outside of his mouth, but he seems to have better awareness when his mouth is dirty.  Just a couple weeks ago Jacob had gotten down from lunch and must have had some food in his mouth that dribbled out his lip after I had wiped him.  He came up to the counter, grabbed a napkin, and wiped his mouth!  I was amazed!  I had no idea he had that oral awareness. 
• Eyes: When Jacob was first evaluated by the international Adoption Center they recommended we do a vision and hearing screening.  With everything going on in our lives, we moved forward with the hearing screening through our cleft lip and palate team but seeing no reason to schedule a vision exam, we decided not to do it.  A couple months ago I was looking at a book with Jacob.  It is filled with pictures of animals and I was asking him to point to certain ones.  I noticed that he never seemed to see the top of the page.  We also have noticed Jacob will occasionally lean in really close to see certain things, like when he was finger painting at our early intervention play group.  Now that I am attuned to this, I am finding I catch him doing this quite often.  Needless to say, we have an appointment with an opthamologist at Children's Hospital of Cincy in July.  
• Ears: At our last ENT followup and again 1 month later at his 2 year appointment with our pediatrician, both doctors have said how good his tubes look.  We have seen no drainage since surgery and he has not given any indication that he is uncomfortable.  He now has no excuse in pretending that he "can't hear us" when we talk to him! :)  We will have a regular followup with the ENT so he can check his ears, see how the tubes are looking, and clean out any wax that has accumulated. 
• Gross Motor: Jacob is steadily catching up in this area.  I am pretty sure by the time he turns 3, he will be age appropriate.  I am still seeing some challenges due to the lack of tummy time he has had thus far in life.  He lacks quite a bit of cervical extension.  I thought when he first came home that his poor extension was part of the reason he looks down so much when he walks but now I am wondering if it has to do with his eyesight.  He also does not have full hand opening on one side when he crawls and I know this is important in forearm movement and fine motor activities so we continue to crawl around the house like crazy people.  Mom and Dad are getting a good workout, too!  We have enrolled him, along with our bio son in a gross motor class called Tumblebees at a local kids gym.  Jacob is in a 2 year class and I might be the only parent that actually makes her child do the whole circuit of activities.  My poor child....it's tough having a P.T. for a Mom!  Jacob especially likes when they pull out the big parachute and they get to run under it.  Lots of fun!  He is not yet jumping but our little guy is close!  Hey, he's the "Year of the Rabbit"!
• Head: Jacob's head is growing, but as of our last appointment at the pediatrician, he is still not on the growth chart.  Our doctor said he was not concerned as Jacob's head is growing and by looking at the way he interacts, he can tell he is intelligent.  He kindly assured us he believed Jacob would flourish under our care and that we need not worry about this. 
• Speech: Jacob is beginning to show signs of expressive speech.  We are focusing on animal sounds and what I call, "Babbling with purpose."  We make sounds from vowels and consonants and try to replicate the things we are learning from our speech therapist.  She definitely has a better ear for it than I do but she has been excited about the things she has seen Jacob do.  He is signing like crazy and really communicates very effectively without any expressive words.  He can say "mama" but I am not quite convinced that he associates the word with me.  We continue to work with early intervention where we have a speech therapist coming into our home once every 10-14 days and we attend an early intervention play group once a week. 
• Feeding:  Jacob is still on pureed foods but at this point, they can be pretty thick.  We had a feeding eval yesterday at Children's hospital.  I expected they would find all kinds of things we could work on and improve but, on the contrary, the speech therapist had glowing things to say.  She liked the variety of foods and textures we were giving him, his great communication and imitating skills, his good lateral tongue movement, as well as his excitement and interest in the process.  She did recommend we officially begin some outpatient speech to assist with some feeding techniques and to "begin" a relationship with a speech therapist.  How do you like that word......"begin."  I imagine this will be a very long relationship!   
• Emotional:  Jacob is overall, doing well.  In separating, I am able to leave him with my parents without any problem.  I have had a lot more difficulty leaving him in environments like the church nursery and the kid care at the "Y" (so I can workout.)  The first time I left him in the hands of an unfamiliar place was at the end of March so I could attend an adoption support group. The group was awesome and we were apart only an hour and a half but the whole next day Jacob would not look me in the eyes or interact with me.  I spoke with our social worker and she confirmed we were definitely "in the thick of things" and this reaction was quite normal for institutionalized children.  It is nice to be in a place where Jacob does not want to let us out of his sight, but I long for the day when Jacob will be so securely attached that we can separate in a way that might bring sadness, but will also bring a surety that we will be together again soon and there would be no fear involved.  But, that's why we are here and doing the hard stuff....to work toward a secure, safe, trustworthy, and peaceful world for our son.
• What's next?  We have lots of appointments in the next couple months.  Next week, we will be seeing Jacob's dentist.  He is a pediatric dentist but specializes in cleft children.  We will have an eye exam in July.  We will begin outpatient speech therapy (to be added to our early intervention speech that comes into our home every 1-2 weeks.)  We also have our 6 month follow up with the International Adoption Center.  Here, we will meet with a physician and an adoption therapist.  The cleft team will not see us again until Jacob turns 3.  Our surgeon told us to expect he will need the pharyngeal flap surgery (which will be our next one) between the age of 3 and 3 1/2.  Jacob does have one side of his scar that is retracting despite the twice daily cross friction work we are doing.  Should this continue to retract, we may be seeing them sooner.   

Many of you have wondered how I am doing.  I have a genetic condition that predisposes me to respiratory infections and I have had a very tough winter since we returned from China.  I'd say 75% of the winter I was on an antibiotic.  My pulmonologist thinks the added stress of the adoption and surgery, along with the rough winter we had in Cincinnati, is the reason I have struggled so much.  I can say that I am very thankful for medication, even though I despise having to rely on it.  It is a love hate relationship.  What I have disliked the most about feeling so cruddy all the time, is that I wanted to feel good during this time with Jacob.  I wanted to be at my best.  Nevertheless, I can thank the good Lord that even on the days when I was fatigued, had a temperature, body aches, and chest pain, I was still able to "function" as a Mom, maybe not at my best but I could still get most of the job done.

I have said it many times over the last 6 months and I will say it again....God has been my refuge.  He has been my rock, my sunrise, my bird songs in the morning my umbrella on a stormy day.  He never, never, never fails.  His mercies are new every morning. 

Even during the times when my fears take over.....

• What if Jacob is made fun of in school?
• What if he can never speak correctly?
• What if his scar doesn't heal properly?
• How will we handle his first racist remark?
• How will he handle his birthparents?
• What if he never feels like he has a secure identity?
• How......?

The questions and fears can take over our lives and steal every bit of the feelings and celebrations that come with the glorious progress we are making in this time.  Despite my fears and despite my feelings of inadequacy, God is using us in Jacob's life.  Every goofy animal sound we make and every funny face we do to get him to exercise his mouth reminds me that this is where he is supposed to be, and we are exactly the ones who have been gifted to do it and help him get there.  Get where?  We don't know.  But this is his life, and we are on his team.  We have promised that we will do our best for him and stand by him when those challenges do come.  Go team Jacob! 

My "Yogurtstache"

A Cord of Three Strands

Ecclesiastes 4:12

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Thirteen years ago today, I married the love of my life....but our story really began 7 years earlier in 1993.   
When I was in my teens, God placed wonderful mentors in my life who encouraged me to pray for my future spouse.  At the age of 14, I began to ask God to watch over and protect my future husband, to guide him into a personal relationship with Himself, and keep him pure for his future wife.



On a Fall evening in October of 1993, I first met Chris at a mutual friend's birthday party.  After an evening of fun and games, Chris asked me for my number.  I politely refused and told him that if he would like it, then he could come to a Young Life meeting on Monday night (a high school Christian group) and I would happily hand it over then.  The funny thing is, that in the eyes of society today, to refuse him may have seemed snobbish, conceited even.  He was not only the starting quarterback of our high school's football team, but he was also an intelligent and likeable guy.  I, while also an intelligent and talented young girl, was in the marching band (a band geek as some might say.)  The likelihood of us being a likely match was not, well.........likely.  (Yes, I did take a little heat from a cheerleader when she found out we were dating.....nyah, nyah, nyah!)



But that never mattered to either of us.  I think we both recognize that God had his hand on us from the start.  I was blessed to watch Chris, kneeling with a Christian mentor one night, give his life to the Lord two months after meeting him (an image that will burn beautifully in my mind for eternity.)  Then, after our wedding rehearsal, I, along with our closest friends and family, got to watch him be baptized.



We have moved well beyond the years of first crush feelings and college love notes sent across the distance and have entered into a new and better phase of our lives.  A phase where we understand that we will never fully be able to meet each others needs, and that we don't need to demand perfection of each other.  A phase where we have learned to give each other forgiveness and grace, as was given to us over 2,000 years ago.  On that day God not only gave us the ability to be with Him forever, but He also gave us the ability to thrive in our marriages.



As we have navigated the flood waters of infertility and adoption, God brought us closer together as a couple.  Even now, as we are figuring out how to parent our new family, we are again learning how important these lessons of forgiveness of self and each other are.  Twenty years ago God answered my prayers in ways I could never have foreseen.

Oh, and for those of you keeping track, Chris did show up to Young Life.  To this day, we still have the slip of paper with my number on it written in pink pen quickly scribbled at my car door.  Happy Anniversary my best friend, forever forgiver, and cherished husband.  I am so proud of the husband and father you have become and are becoming.  I look forward to what the next 13 years will hold for us.   

 

Not lacking anything

God has been working overtime to remind me just how great His love is for me.  He has brought to mind time and time again the scriptures about building my house on a rock and being ready when trials come.  He reminds me that these will only make me stronger......and make my family stronger. 

As you may have read in my previous posts, I have joined with a wonderful group of women this year to evaluate where in our lives we live in excess and how this excess takes up space that we should really be giving to God.  To honor this journey, I decided to study the book of James for the month of March.  As soon as I closed the cover on my study, the church we have been frequenting thought this was also a good time to study the book of James.  OK, God, I get it. 

I have loved the book of James since I was a teenager.  I know that grace is not dependent on works (Thank you Lord!) but our works are such an outflowing of our thankfulness for what God has done that I have always devoured the book from cover to cover.  It so naturally melds into the beauty of the promises of the new testament pages as it reminds us that genuine faith transforms lives.  When I did youth ministry and would encourage the kids to get into the Bible, I'd say, "Start with the Gospels and then go onto James", it was always such a natural transition. 

Recently, my mind can't seem to get away from James 1.  Specifically, James 1:2-4:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I thought that 6 years of waiting for our adoption was what it would take to "not lack anything."  I thought that obediently bending my will to bringing in a child that looked nothing like the child I thought we would adopt would reach the degree of "not lacking anything."  I thought that bringing home a child in need of a home and love, to a family with love and a home in need of a child, would be all it would take to "not lack anything."  Well.....I didn't know "anything." 

I didn't know how hard bringing home an older, special needs, heck, let's just say simply, an adopted child would be.  I didn't realize how inadequate I would feel in being his parent and how often I would despair that perhaps God had made a terrible mistake when asking us to parent another child.  In our shame, frustrations, and grief, we have wondered at times if God called us to this and then left us.  It seems my prayers of asking for "more empathy, more patience, more understanding, and more love" had lessened to a simple prayer of protection for our cherished son...."Lord, please protect him....from inadequate me."  

The amazing thing is that as I look back on where we have come from, where we are now, and where we are going, I can see that God is doing exactly as He promised.  He has not given us more than we can handle (despite what I might have told him last week....sorry God!) and He has perfectly placed so many people in our lives and so many words in His book to remind us of His infinite love of us.  Some of you have even reached into the dark depths of your lives that we might hear your stories of redemption and forgiveness, so that you might bring us hope and encouragement.  Just last week, I read a note I had not seen since before our adoption from a friend and it said: "Lord, today I will let go of my expectations as to how bonding should be going and give them to you."  (How did she know I would need to read that later??)

Perhaps that is why, we can "consider it pure joy...when you encounter various trails." (James 1:2)  For I know He is with me and the promises He has given me.  He is molding me and shaping me into something better, something stronger, something more perfect, something more complete, and darest I say it....into the woman and Mother that is fully capable to meet ALL the needs that our little guy does and will have.  A woman "not lacking anything."