A Cord of Three Strands

Ecclesiastes 4:12

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Thirteen years ago today, I married the love of my life....but our story really began 7 years earlier in 1993.   
When I was in my teens, God placed wonderful mentors in my life who encouraged me to pray for my future spouse.  At the age of 14, I began to ask God to watch over and protect my future husband, to guide him into a personal relationship with Himself, and keep him pure for his future wife.



On a Fall evening in October of 1993, I first met Chris at a mutual friend's birthday party.  After an evening of fun and games, Chris asked me for my number.  I politely refused and told him that if he would like it, then he could come to a Young Life meeting on Monday night (a high school Christian group) and I would happily hand it over then.  The funny thing is, that in the eyes of society today, to refuse him may have seemed snobbish, conceited even.  He was not only the starting quarterback of our high school's football team, but he was also an intelligent and likeable guy.  I, while also an intelligent and talented young girl, was in the marching band (a band geek as some might say.)  The likelihood of us being a likely match was not, well.........likely.  (Yes, I did take a little heat from a cheerleader when she found out we were dating.....nyah, nyah, nyah!)



But that never mattered to either of us.  I think we both recognize that God had his hand on us from the start.  I was blessed to watch Chris, kneeling with a Christian mentor one night, give his life to the Lord two months after meeting him (an image that will burn beautifully in my mind for eternity.)  Then, after our wedding rehearsal, I, along with our closest friends and family, got to watch him be baptized.



We have moved well beyond the years of first crush feelings and college love notes sent across the distance and have entered into a new and better phase of our lives.  A phase where we understand that we will never fully be able to meet each others needs, and that we don't need to demand perfection of each other.  A phase where we have learned to give each other forgiveness and grace, as was given to us over 2,000 years ago.  On that day God not only gave us the ability to be with Him forever, but He also gave us the ability to thrive in our marriages.



As we have navigated the flood waters of infertility and adoption, God brought us closer together as a couple.  Even now, as we are figuring out how to parent our new family, we are again learning how important these lessons of forgiveness of self and each other are.  Twenty years ago God answered my prayers in ways I could never have foreseen.

Oh, and for those of you keeping track, Chris did show up to Young Life.  To this day, we still have the slip of paper with my number on it written in pink pen quickly scribbled at my car door.  Happy Anniversary my best friend, forever forgiver, and cherished husband.  I am so proud of the husband and father you have become and are becoming.  I look forward to what the next 13 years will hold for us.   

 

Not lacking anything

God has been working overtime to remind me just how great His love is for me.  He has brought to mind time and time again the scriptures about building my house on a rock and being ready when trials come.  He reminds me that these will only make me stronger......and make my family stronger. 

As you may have read in my previous posts, I have joined with a wonderful group of women this year to evaluate where in our lives we live in excess and how this excess takes up space that we should really be giving to God.  To honor this journey, I decided to study the book of James for the month of March.  As soon as I closed the cover on my study, the church we have been frequenting thought this was also a good time to study the book of James.  OK, God, I get it. 

I have loved the book of James since I was a teenager.  I know that grace is not dependent on works (Thank you Lord!) but our works are such an outflowing of our thankfulness for what God has done that I have always devoured the book from cover to cover.  It so naturally melds into the beauty of the promises of the new testament pages as it reminds us that genuine faith transforms lives.  When I did youth ministry and would encourage the kids to get into the Bible, I'd say, "Start with the Gospels and then go onto James", it was always such a natural transition. 

Recently, my mind can't seem to get away from James 1.  Specifically, James 1:2-4:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I thought that 6 years of waiting for our adoption was what it would take to "not lack anything."  I thought that obediently bending my will to bringing in a child that looked nothing like the child I thought we would adopt would reach the degree of "not lacking anything."  I thought that bringing home a child in need of a home and love, to a family with love and a home in need of a child, would be all it would take to "not lack anything."  Well.....I didn't know "anything." 

I didn't know how hard bringing home an older, special needs, heck, let's just say simply, an adopted child would be.  I didn't realize how inadequate I would feel in being his parent and how often I would despair that perhaps God had made a terrible mistake when asking us to parent another child.  In our shame, frustrations, and grief, we have wondered at times if God called us to this and then left us.  It seems my prayers of asking for "more empathy, more patience, more understanding, and more love" had lessened to a simple prayer of protection for our cherished son...."Lord, please protect him....from inadequate me."  

The amazing thing is that as I look back on where we have come from, where we are now, and where we are going, I can see that God is doing exactly as He promised.  He has not given us more than we can handle (despite what I might have told him last week....sorry God!) and He has perfectly placed so many people in our lives and so many words in His book to remind us of His infinite love of us.  Some of you have even reached into the dark depths of your lives that we might hear your stories of redemption and forgiveness, so that you might bring us hope and encouragement.  Just last week, I read a note I had not seen since before our adoption from a friend and it said: "Lord, today I will let go of my expectations as to how bonding should be going and give them to you."  (How did she know I would need to read that later??)

Perhaps that is why, we can "consider it pure joy...when you encounter various trails." (James 1:2)  For I know He is with me and the promises He has given me.  He is molding me and shaping me into something better, something stronger, something more perfect, something more complete, and darest I say it....into the woman and Mother that is fully capable to meet ALL the needs that our little guy does and will have.  A woman "not lacking anything." 

 

It is a good Friday.....

Life so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all
and the beauty and the shame
in the glory of His name
Oh the wonderful cross
...
Oh the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find
that I may truly live

Oh the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace
draw here and bless your name

-Michael W. Smith

I would be remiss to not post on this day.  The day we remember the sacrifice of God and Jesus Christ.  The day redemption began in it's physical form and began to move toward completion.  I will write few words because words will never be enough. 

Dear Lord, today, I stand in silence and awe of what You have done for me and admit that now, more than any other time in my life, how grateful I am for the forgiveness and freedom You have given.  I will never deserve it my beloved Savior but may my life be used to honor it and tell it.....Amen.

 

Problems with toilet paper

When I was a newlywed, I entered a contest to get a free case of toilet paper.  My mission was to submit a "saying" that had to do with toilet paper.  Easy.  I had been writing this wonderful piece of literary genius in my friends year books since junior high.  Hang onto your hats, grab your tissues and get ready to be amazed because here it is:

"May your life be like a roll of toilet paper......long and useful."

I know....AMAZING, but put that aside for one minute as we talk of other things.  I know, hard to do as you have been so "wowed" by my talents, but stay with me.  I am a super shopper.  I hit the sales, clip the coupons, and scour the clearance rack.  I can tell you what day of the year Target toys go to 70% off.  It is a gift and shopping smart to stay within our family's budget is a job I don't take lightly.  Recently, I came across a great deal on toilet paper.  It was every couponers dream and I stocked up!  Mega packs of toilet paper were stuffed into every nook and cranny of our linen closet.  We were ready for the toilet paper armageddon.  No bottom in our home would be unclean should there be a T.P. shortage.  I had a great feeling of security around our toilet paper stash......until God stepped in.

I was invited by one of my friends this year to join a group of women with two main goals.....to rid our lives and homes of excess to make more room for God.  We are using a book called, 7, An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess, by Jen Hatmaker as our guide and will be digesting seven areas in our lives that we live in excess.  This month we are focusing on food.  My husband has been so supportive and has agreed to join in what each months focus will be.  In March we are only eating seven foods.  To say it has been hard is putting it mildly.  I am cranky, hungry, and have crazy brain fog but have been trying to focus on what this month is meant to be....letting God in more of my life.  When I am hungry or cannot eat another apple, I force myself to open up to what God is laying before me.  What opportunities is he giving me this day?  You see, another focus of our project is to serve as Jesus served.  To get on our knees and wash some feet.  We want to do more than just write a check or drop a donation in a box.  We want to connect to the source of the need. 

Since the month began, I have been praying that God would place in front of me a need that our group or even just myself could meet.  I wanted to do something tangible to show the love of Christ.  When I was hungry and cranky, I prayed.  My feet were just itching to do God's work.  Then, it came.  A need born out of an incredible love for Christ and little children.  One of my friends from high school (who more than likely has that epic piece of toilet paper poetry in one of her year books) emails to ask for prayer.  She was having a hard time.  A hard time finding sleep and peace as she worried about finances and her family. You see, this beautiful woman has taken in three foster children in the last six months.  Add to this, her three biological children, a family household on one income, and the unexpected loss of her dear Father in December....let's just say, she is a faithful, strong, and obedient woman.  I love her heart for the Lord.  One day I told her I admire her for what she is doing and she said, "Don't admire me.  Just pray for me."

In her email she talked about her stresses and her loneliness in this new journey their family is on.  Yep, I've been there.  You see, every one of us that takes a child into their home whether through adoption, foster care, or other means knows of this loneliness, stress, and shame.  While our stories and journeys are all unique, there is a thred that flows through them all that makes us the same.  I have found great strength in this unity and four of the women in our group have ties to adoption in some way, on each side.  I knew immediately, this was who God had sent for us to support. 

I told my friend about our group, what we were doing, and then asked if she would send us a list of her needs.  I told her I wanted tangible needs.  She did not dissapoint.  She, of course, asked for prayer, but then sent a beautiful list that is fully linked to a Mother's heart.  I quickly put together an email that night and sent it out to our group.  You would not believe what these women accomplished in 24 hours.  It was a sight to behold as I watched each woman, all of us with unique God given gifts, respond.  Incredible connections were made, emails were sent, and research was done as we tried to see what needs we could meet. 

Enter toilet paper.  It was one of the needs on her list.  Oh, I got that!  I can give her a pack since we have so much!  I put a pack on our spare room bed.  The whole next day as were trying to organize what we could help her with through our resources and gifts, I kept having this feeling about the toilet paper.  I knew God was telling me to give her all we had.  But Lord, don't you know the "how to get ahead shopping principles?"  Sale + Coupon + Buy ahead principle = Huge savings!  This is how one can stretch their budget.  If I give her all I have then I'll have to start over.  Toilet paper was checked off my list for a long while!  But Lord, but...but....it was no use.  I knew if I studied his word what He would ask of me:

 1. God is the owner of everything we have: Psalms 24:1 — “The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it.”

2. God is exceedingly generous and gave us everything: Romans 8:32-33 — “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?”

3. Giving is what we are called to do as His followers: Mark 10:21 — “Jesus looked at him and loved him. ‘One thing you lack,’ he said. ‘Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.’ ”

I knew what I needed to do.  Not because my friend needed toilet paper, but because I needed to increase my faith and trust in the Lord.  I needed to lessen myself that He may become more.  My linen closet has a lot more room in it but my heart is fuller and the journey is richer.

Oh, and by the way, I won that contest mentioned in the beginning.  Perhaps that was the start of my T.P. problems!

Matthew 6:24 — “No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.”

Happy Birthday Little One

Two years ago yesterday, on a Saturday in central China, our son was born and dropped off outside of a middle school.  He then was placed in the Weinan City Children's welfare institution until November 4, 2013 where he was placed into the arms of his forever family.

Sometimes I catch myself looking at him in awe, wondering what the first 20 months of his life were like.  How has his little two year old brain adapted to the unnaturalness of raising oneself without parents?  Occasionally, I even daydream that it isn't real.  My sweet and beautiful son?  There is no way he had a period of 20 months alone and without me.....say it ain't so.

Jacob has exploded with development.  He definitely still seems younger than his two years of age but his curisoity and love of learning are a sight to behold.  I love to watch him discover new things, and the way he catches my eye when he hears a new sound that he can't quiet identify melts my heart.  It is remarkable to walk beside a child in discovery. 

God has been so good to us!  We have walked and even basked in the freedom that Christ brought two thousand years ago when he promised us forgiveness and redemption.  Never have we needed it more than now.  Never have I been so thankful.

Happy Birthday dear son.  You have led me time and time again to the foot of the cross.  The best gift that I can offer you on this your birthday......that I may help you do the same.  I love you.

Stopping to smell the roses

 The other day, Jacob and I went shopping for a Chinese New Year party we host every year.  I was a Mom on a mission.  I strapped on Jacob's seatbelt and helmet, double checked the cart's steering mechanism, and navigated the banks and turns of the supermarket.  If this was a sport, I'd have had the top sponsors vying for my cart's advertisement section!   

I had spent quite a bit of time in the floral department picking out flowers for table arrangements.  As I was passing the clerk, she asked me if I wanted a floral bag for all the flowers.  My response, "Certainly, maybe it will help keep his fingers out of them."  She kindly smiled and as she delicately wrapped our flowers she said, "I was watching him as you shopped.  His eyes just lit up at all the flowers around him."

 

Lit up?  How did I miss that?  All I remember is trying to keep his hands off them.  I immediately knew that if my child's eyes were lighting up in newness and discovery that I wanted to be a part of it.  How did I get so busy that I missed that? 

She then said with total wisdom and no judgement, "I've raised my kids and it's busy. Now I can look back at those things that I missed."  I knew I didn't want that.  I don't want to look back and wish I had been less busy, and paid more attention. 

Last night, we celebrated with our friends and family.  It was a marvelous celebration of love, adoption, family, and community.  In the chaos of trying to feed over thirty people, I knew that I didn't want to miss a thing.  Thank you my dear friends and family for the love, wisdom, and support you have breathed into our lives.  You have helped shape me into a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, and a very blessed woman.

Today, Jacob and I sat down with the flowers and explored to our hearts content.  No stone was left unturned.  No petal left untouched.  And no regrets for the time spent together. 

Luke 12:27
Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

Learning to breathe again.

Psalm 150:6.  Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD.

Post op week one.

 We finally feel like our heads have come to the water's surface.  We are no longer drowning in our fears,  and sadness for Jacob's experience, and postoperative difficulties.  The rhythm of domestic life is slowly returning.  The waters are calmer and we even occasionally are learning to find enjoyment in floating on our backs and drinking in the beautiful view around us.  We are learning to breathe again. 

Over the last couple weeks, we have waxed and waned through victories and frustrations in our post operative healing.  At our followup with our surgeon, he saw what we had already seen in Jacob's palate....a fistula (hole.)  He assured me it was not likely a result of Jacob's fall (see last post) but more a result of his surgery being so extensive.  Then, just a few days ago, we saw another one.  This one is under his left nasal region and he does get food coming through this hole and out his nose.  It has been discouraging for us. 

On the victory front, Jacob has made remarkable improvements since the last post.  Not only is he waking up just once per night, he is now able to breathe much better making sleep more restful. We have been able to get pureed foods into his mouth and it has been fun to watch him learn how to move the food with his tongue toward the back of his throat.  He is also keenly interested in how our mouth moves to form words and he will often try to mimic them.  It is exciting to see this and my heart is aching for the day when I hear him say, "mommy."  As Jacob has made progress, I have purposefully looked back to remember not only where we have been, but how far we have come, and remind myself of the broad network of support that is loving us during this time.  I think it is an imperative exercise when working with a child that has special needs.  The progress of one day may seem so minimal but the progress of a month and sometimes even just a week can be incredibly encouraging.  

Just finished my first boxing match....you should see the other guy!
Post op week 2

We are forging forward in this work that needs to be done to help Jacob "catch up" in his delays.  I visited our P.T. friend who is an excellent developmental therapist and she thought Jacob was doing great.  She said, "If he's not age appropriate in his motor skills now, then he is very close."  This was welcoming news as I had worried we'd take some steps backward after surgery.



Post op week 2-3

 We have seen our early intervention speech therapist in home for about a month now.  While Jacob does not have any expressive language, his receptive and nonverbal communication is amazing.  He understands a lot and has been communicating very effectively with the sign language we have been doing.  We have loved doing signs with him because it requires so much eye contact.  He will look us in the eye when doing a sign to make sure we have seen it.  The ability to communicate and be understood brings such power to bonding!

He has definitely developed "stranger anxiety" since his surgery.  We notice him making less eye contact while we are out and about and at home he is demanding much more "hold me" time. The smiles also seem a bit harder to come by but we are working on it.  We will soon begin doing scar massage to his lip area.  I am hoping this will be something he will adapt to soon and won't cause him much discomfort. The surgeon said his puckered upper lip look will slowly spread out over a two month period. 



Post op week 3-4


You may wonder what will happen with the holes.  The one in the posterior part of his palate may close on it's own.  This is what we are hoping for.  The anterior one will likely not change.  Both will need another surgery if they remain unchanged and open but nothing will be done for at least a year when Jacob is between 3 and 3 1/2 years old. 

We are holding fast to the Lord's promises.  We might be teetering on the edge of an immense ocean that we feel could swallow us at any minute but we know our feet are planted firmly on a rock.  Not quicksand.  A firm, solid, unwavering rock with strong foot holds for our feet to weather the crashing waves.  I have had to remind myself and force myself to look back from whence we have come.  To force myself to come face to face with each "drowning" we have felt and remember who has been our strength.  I remind myself that God is in control and He loves Jacob more than I could ever fathom.  Two holes in his palate are nothing compared to the plans God has for him and God is in control of his future. 

Just as Jacob has had to learn to breathe anew, so are we.  We are praising God for his love of us, our family, and of Jacob.  We are learning to put our faith for his functional outcomes and healing in the one who created him, not in a surgical procedure.  The one who knit him together and knew him before he was born.

Isaiah 42:5

Thus says God, the Lord,
    who created the heavens and stretched them out,
    who spread out the earth and what comes from it,
who gives breath to the people upon it
    and spirit to those who walk in it....