The Hard Work of Redemption

Today we invited into our home the Jones family from PACT (Parenting Adoptees Can Trust).  They are coaching us in the TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention) method, a training developed by Drs. Karyn Purvis and David Cross out of the T.C.U. institute of child development.  From their website:

TBRI^® is based on a solid foundation of neuropsychological theory and research, tempered by humanitarian principles. It is a family-based intervention that is designed for children who have experienced relationship-based traumas such as institutionalization, multiple foster placements, maltreatment, and/or neglect. For the past ten years, Drs. Purvis and Cross have been implementing and evaluating TBRI^® , and their strategies have proven extremely effective in creating healing environments for children who have come from “hard places.”

Tonight we started with the parent interview, tomorrow we start with training, and the next day we get to apply it ourselves with the skillful coaching of the Jones family. I am so excited about this. It is no secret to me what brought me to this point. The work of the T.C.U. folks on this parenting model is straight from the heart of God. It is rich with an amazing balance of structure as well as re-do's, forgiveness, and praise. It sees through behavior and straight to the beautiful heart behind it. It works hard to breaks down walls of fear and shame and build them back up with love, value, trust, respect and authentic relationships that are forever. It is a story of redeeming the true child.

I can look back and see how God has guided me closer and closer to this model of parenting my children as he has shown me that I have my own issues of fear and distrust in God. As I turned to Him I have needed to see that I am valued by him, and I am enough to parent my children. He has given me immense re-do's and forgiveness while gently correcting me and letting me know when I was out of line. And just tonight, He put His beautiful fingerprint on the end of our day when our 5 year old son, Ethan, told us he wanted to ask Jesus into his heart. God reminded me once more, that he is central to the work of redemption of all our family.

Now off to bed! Lots of redeeming work going on in the Lutz home!

"Cleft Lip and Palate? Oh, they can fix that."

Throughout our adoption wait, and especially when we received our referral, many well meaning people in our life would say this...."Cleft Lip and Palate?  Oh, they can fix that."  While I know most people meant well, there was and is a lot of ignorance that went into that phrase.  What I would normally say was something polite like:

"Yes, it's incredible what they can do surgically now for these children." 

But here is what I really want to say, now that I am a mama to a cleft child:

"Yes, they can fix the large gaping hole that is so evident in their beautiful faces but just so you know:

• The average cleft child will endure seven surgeries to create just the right aesthetic and functional mouth they can possibly have by the time they have fully matured.
• If they are lucky enough to still have an intact eardrum after all the ear infections they had while institutionalized, nearly all cleft children will need PE tubes.  Should they not have them put in, then 25% of cleft children will develop a growth around their eardrum that must be surgically removed.  Let's also talk about what all this does to their hearing, resulting in further  delays in mastering expressive speech and sometimes requiring them to get hearing aids.
• Did you know that many institutionalized cleft children are malnourished?  They have difficulty getting the oral mechanics needed for sucking to get good nutrition.  Imagine what this does for early brain development and cognition. 
• So, what about the teeth?  They are at greater risk for cavities. Their teeth often have small, weak or defective areas in the enamel that are more prone to decay. Their saliva can be thicker, which reduces its natural washing action in the mouth. Their teeth can be crowded, which can make it hard to brush well. These children also have a high risk of some tooth irregularities such as missing or extra teeth, abnormally shaped teeth or teeth in unusual positions. Most of us are told to (at the minimum) expect orthodontic work, but some children at around 6-10 years of age will need to prepare for bone graft surgery.  The cleft of the tooth-bearing part of the jaw needs to be repaired with an alveolar bone graft if this had not been done at an earlier age.  To prepare for this bone-graft surgery, it's often necessary to put the tooth-bearing segments in better position in relation to each other so the jaw has a more normal shape. The front teeth in the upper jaw may need to be aligned if they are irregular. Oh, and by the way, children with a cleft are also at risk of having less growth of the maxilla (upper jaw) than of the mandible (lower jaw). If this growth difference is large, the child might develop an under bite. An under bite at an early age may need further orthodontic treatment.
• Now, let's talk about what looking different and sounding different might do to a child's self esteem.  Even one of the most popular cleft lip and palate foundations has resources on their website for anti-bullying strategies.  Surgery might help our children's faces look more symmetrical, but never will all evidence be removed that they were born different.  Many of our children will struggle with low self-esteem and figuring out how to navigate in a world where they look different. 
• For our family, almost 16 months after out first major cleft lip and palate repair, our son is still not able to chew solid foods.  Almost a year after initiating Physical therapy to assist in the motor aspect of chewing, I am still pureeing almost all of my child's food, seeing no evidence that he will begin chewing anytime soon.  Many cleft children have difficulties with food.  If not chewing than difficulties with consistency and textures.  Many have to learn how to keep their food away from fistulas in their oral cavity so food doesn't escape into the nasal canal. 
• Speaking of fistulas, did you know there are some families whose cleft children have had four surgeries to try to "plug" a fistula in the mouth without success?  Any fistula in the mouth is an area where precious airflow can escape which will then negatively affect speech output. 
• Can I just tell you about the debate that still exists on surgeries?  Some have potential side effects of sleep apnea and difficulty breathing.
• And no one tells you, in this "they can fix that" society, that there will be days where you open up the photo books and see pictures of "before the surgery", and wish that you could go back and spend one more day with that cleft baby.  (You see, many cleft Moms see their unrepaired children as perfect just the way they are.  To indicate to a Mother that "they can fix that" feels a little like they aren't acceptable until that is done.  We know that they are.)

So, yes, it can be fixed, but it is a journey of a cleft child's entire youth; until they are fully matured.  We will wax and wane between periods of surgeries, recoveries, and lots and lots of therapy in between.  It is not a quick fix nor a "one and done surgery."  It is the journey of a family united, working through the long haul to achieve the best possible functional outcome.  To say, "It can be fixed", minimizes the work, the sacrifices, the courage, and the joys that come from parenting a cleft child.  

That's what I would say. 

To an Unknown Mother

To an Unknown Mother:

I know that day was not what you planned,
As you looked at your baby, cradled in your hand.
I imagine you wished there was a different way,
As you sacrificially gave him another home that day.
I wish you could see him and his beautiful, bright eyes,
The ones that reflect you, who gave him his life.
On this day, especially, I think about you,
I wonder what it's like, what you daily go through.
I imagine you wonder whose arms he is in.
Where he is, is he cared for, are they loving him?
I wish I could reach across this vast world,
And let you know in my arms, nightly, he is curled.
He is loved, he is wanted, he is such a delight,
He is joyful, he is cared for, he is a beautiful light.
We want you to know, as we celebrate Mothers,
You are part of our family, and he to another.
We tell him of your love, a kind to be celebrated,
One that is ever present, though you are separated.
We want you to know we are grateful for our son,
Who is blessed to have two Mothers, not just one. 

-Jennifer Evans Lutz

Turning 3

It's hard to believe our baby boy turns 3 today.  3 years old!  I can't believe it....where has the time gone?  It seems just months ago I was staring at his picture willing him home.  Now, he sleeps peacefully and beautifully upstairs, as though he has been here forever. 

We have so much to celebrate!  The year has been a roller coaster of huge peaks but also deep valleys, yet here we are, thankful for every day that we have together.  The colorful balloons, brightly wrapped presents, and celebratory feel to the day testifies to the joy in our home to be celebrating with Jacob.

But catch me at the right moment, and you will see a sober, reflective woman who is haunted by the past.  By things she can't control and by days she can never have. 

Jacob's birth.  His first birthday.  The first half of his life......his first 20 months of snuggling, feeding, rocking, reading, discovering, laughing, learning, loving, trusting.....these will never be ours together.  Why do I have such a hard time letting go of this?

I know the answer.  After 16 months, I have fallen madly in love with him.  All his loss, all his pain, all his neglect, all his lack of touch, all the bottles he drank alone, all the nights he cried with no one to hold him.......I have felt the sting of this, and I wish I could take it away from him. I wish I could have been there.  I wish....I wish......

I wish love didn't hurt this much. 

But if it didn't, I wouldn't be able to look Jacob in the eye on our hardest days and see the behavior apart from the child.  You see, this pain of knowing his past has given me empathy, the cornerstone to building attachment with my son.  This pain has given me compassion, as I try to see how his past might color his present.  This pain helps me fight for him, in knowing he doesn't even know what he should be fighting against.

And so I let the pain have it's way.  I suspect it will always show up in some form on this day for years to come.  It comes in for a reflective visit, and then leaves as soon as the festivities begin.  It will always be a part of our story as a family and my journey as a Mom. 

Happy 3rd birthday to one of my heroes.  You have journeyed through more in 36 months than most people do in a lifetime.  You are loving, joyous, stubborn, wickedly smart, funny, and beautiful.  Your ever increasing hugs and snuggles light my day and encourage me in this journey of being your "mama".

I'm so thankful on this 3rd birthday, that love hurts this much. 

Jacob's Gotcha Day 11/4/12 at OneTrueMedia.com

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Happy Forever Family Day!

(One year ago we met our beautiful son.  The emotions and the story of his life and our year almost overwhelm me.  For this special celebration post, I want to write it to Jacob.)

 

November 4th, 2013:

 

Dearest Jacob,

One year ago WE met our precious, youngest son.  The pain of 6 years of waiting had culminated into this long awaited day. 

One year ago YOU lost everything you ever been connected to, everything that gave you security, and every person, site, sound, and smell that you had ever cared for.  One year ago your life was once again ripped apart. 

Our day of greatest pleasure occurred at the same time as your day of greatest pain.  None of us has come away unchanged.

In this process of ripping apart and joining together, we have learned so much about the love and work that goes into building a family.  A love and fierce commitment have been planted in our hearts for you and in this letter, I want you to know that we are committed to loving you well and doing this right by the grace of our Lord and Savior.

 

So, dear one, I want to share with you today, as we celebrate the one year anniversary of our Forever Family Day, what I hope to communicate to you the rest of your life….

1. We will create for you an environment of emotional safety, where you can trust us enough to share everything.....your joys and your struggles.
2. We will help you know your true and wonderful self.  Not one based on performance, or image.
3. We will be intentional about providing opportunities to teach and show you empathy and compassion.
4. We will help to reflect to you God's character by showing you patience, kindness, forgiveness, and love.
5. We will provide for you affection, nurturing, responsiveness, and sensitivity.
6. You will be safe, seen, and secure in our household.

The journey of this year has been incredible!  It brought tears to my eyes as I rocked you to sleep tonight thinking I couldn't imagine life without you in it.  Somehow, in the midst of your tragic story, God has allowed us to enter and be your Mom and Dad.  There could be no greater calling than to come together as a family bonded in other ways than blood.  I had no idea how greatly the experience would impact me nor how inadequate I would feel to take this road.  Yet, in the midst if your hardest days this year, you have reached out your little hand to embrace us, to laugh with us, to forgive us, and to love us.  Life couldn't be fuller for me right now and I wouldn't change a thing except that I might somehow be able to spare you of any pain you will face down the road of your life.

 

But one thing I know is that walking next to you at every step will be the One who created you and gave you life.  He will be your healer even as He has been mine this past year.  There is so much incredibleness to happen in your life, Jacob.  He has had his hand on you from the start, and has somehow allowed us to enter into your life and walk alongside you.  For this, we will be forever grateful.

 

We love you, forever-

Mom and Dad

Thriving

"Wow, Jennifer, he's thriving!"

One of my friends made that comment about Jacob last week and for that beautiful moment, I reveled in it.  I soaked it in for all the work that went behind it and thanked the good Lord for that moment of encouragement. 

Just a few hours later, we were back in the trenches, doing the same hard work and doing our best to keep making progress.  The word "thriving" melted into the background of my mind as I watched Jacob struggle through letting go and fully depending on his new family. 

I found myself saying, "Are you really thriving?  What does that mean anyway?"

The online Webster's dictionary defines the word "thrive" as to grow vigorously, to gain in wealth or possessions, and to progress toward a goal despite circumstances.  As I pondered the word and it's meaning one day in my car, I was listening to the CD "Struggle", by Tenth Avenue North and in the title track song were these words:

 

Hallelujah

We are free to struggle

We're not struggling to be free

Your blood bought and makes us children

So children drop your chains and see

 

There, in my car I realized, yes, he is thriving.......even I am thriving!  Thriving doesn't mean you have "arrived" and life has to be perfect.  It means we are pressing onward toward our prize.  It means that despite the struggles we have hope and can be joyous.  It means we keep doing the hard work, relying on God's love, and being thankful we get to walk this life beside Him.  Thriving is a process, not a destination.  It is a condition we can walk in when we trust our Savior. 

Close to mealtime that night, a time we often struggle with some of Jacob's anxieties, I picked him up and looked him in the eyes and said, "You don't have to do that to get Mommy's attention.  I love you.  You can just come and ask me with your words.  What you have to say is important to me." 

These words from me were evidence that we are both thriving.  He is learning to trust and depend on me, and I am learning even more how to meet his needs and provide the environment he needs to grow and heal.  We are "growing vigorously, and pressing toward our goal despite our circumstances."  Praise be to God.

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful; but his delight is in the law of the Lord and in His law he meditates day and night. He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall prosper. (Psalm 1:1–3—NKJV)