Adoption. Is. Hard.

This week I was reading a magazine put out by Focus on the Family.  Since November was adoption month, it was highlighting "realities" of adoption from real families.  One woman said something I think I will remember for the rest of my life.  She said adoption was not a destination, it was a journey. 

Looking back over our long wait I can see where all our dreams and hopes rested on what we thought would come to fruition on the day Jacob was placed in our arms.  It looked something like this: He would be given to us and suddenly the heavens would open.  A beam of light would shine down on him and a voice would say, "This is your son, in him I am well pleased."  (Haven't I heard that somewhere?)  There would be a new star in the sky for him, a new Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor would be dedicated to him, and our family would be perfectly happy and complete.  Then reality hits and we find our home is actually in a state of confusion, disillusionment, and often repentance and shame.  Adoption is hard, and for as much as we felt like we had prepared ourselves, it's not understandable until you live it....even then I'm not so sure. 

To an outsider, it doesn't seem we should have many problems.  Jacob is adjusting well socially and emotionally.  We can love all over him and he can love us back.  He even leans in for kisses and in an adorable way unique to the cleft lip child, he leans in, opens his mouth and puckers the best he can when he wants kisses.  He is also sleeping through most nights.  Huge victories and I'm sure parents everywhere are saying...."lucky you!" 

All of these feelings and challenges have forced me to take a step back and reflect on where God is when life gets so hard, especially when you have taken a journey you believe to be steeped in scripture and an outpouring of your love and obedience to Him.  Thankfully, this mental journey is not a hard one and I have never questioned where God might be in our struggles.  I have felt Him inside me this whole time. 

I was blessed to be a pupil of a remarkable Sunday School teacher.  There was a lot he taught that I'll never get, but two things have stuck with me and changed my Christian worldview.  The first was about the catastrophic effects of sin entering the world.  When man first sinned and was kicked out of the garden, it affected not only human beings but all of nature.  Until the world once again becomes as God intended, we will never be free of evil, cancer, earthquakes, hate, violence, broken families....the list goes on.  Sin is in this world and we will never escape it nor will we escape it's effects, whether they are a direct consequence of something we've done, or something someone else has done.     

We were meeting with our eldest son's preschool teachers for a parent conference.  Our discussion inevitably led to how he was adjusting since Jacob came along.  We shared a small part of our victories as well as our challenges and this opened up a discussion about how God works through adoptive families.  One of the teachers had a friend who had adopted older sibling pairs.  She shared that they have and still have immense challenges not only with their adoptive children, but also the effects it has had on their biological kids.  She wondered aloud why God didn't intervene due to the sacrifices of the parents.

I'll tell you what I told her.  My husband was sitting beside me and I had Jacob on my lap.  I circled my finger over the three of us and said, "We are not what God intended for Jacob.  In a perfect, sinless world, God created the family as husband and wife giving birth to their children and raising them."  That is the perfect scenario where our children would feel loved, safe, and flourish in the arms of their parents.  I then told her, "We live in a world corrupted by sin.  Sin's effects have left us with broken families and hurting children.  It doesn't make Jacob any less wanted by us and it doesn't mean that we don't think God blessed us when he was given to us, but we fully understand that in living in a sinful world, we will have to help bear the burdens and consequences that have occurred with the breakdown of Jacob's family."  These may include (but are certainly not limited to) issues of trust, abandonment, fear, neglect, and all the effects that living in an institution for 20 months can bring. 

While I'm stirring the waters a little, I want to say one more thing.  We will never tell Jacob that God created him for us.  How selfish would that be?  We wanted a child and family so God gave us what we asked for.  Now you, dear son, get to deal with the consequences that that brings such as dealing with cross cultural and identity issues, wondering if your birthdate is correct, not knowing any familial history, as well as dealing with why your birth parents did not fight to the ends of the earth for you.  Ouch!  That's reality when your adopted and certainly something he will deal with.  Why would I present a God to my son that could cause such inner turmoil because I wanted a child?  Do I believe God united Jacob with us?  Yes.  Do I believe his referral to our family was random?  Absolutely not.  It brings me comfort to know God believes we are up to the task of caring and loving Jacob with all the right and privileges of a biological child, but I don't believe God created an orphan so I could be a Mother.

What's the other thing I learned from my favorite Sunday school teacher?  That one of our goals in life should be to always pursue knowing God more and that the work done on the cross changed everything.  That's what I will tell Jacob when he wants to know about God and has questions.  That even in this world of sin, God changed everything with one sacrifice.  We are redeemed.  What does that mean?  He came and took what was His own.  That's why you were created dear one....for God.  No matter what we deal with in life.....the sins of our biological parents, our adoptive parents (the list is already pretty lengthy), and even from ourselves.....we have been redeemed.  One sacrifice for all. 

This is what I cling to that gives me hope.  Even in the midst of my struggles where I am hardest on myself for my mistakes, I can be thankful that I can keep pushing forward and keep trying to do better because I have been forgiven.  It's what will make me a good parent to my children.  It's what we all have.  The hope within us is for all.....the widower, the unemployed, the person in chronic pain......the adoptive parent.   

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."--(Romans 5:6-8)

Before I go, I want to thank everyone who has reached out to us.  Thank you for the meals....thank you for the emails.....thank you for the calls (and even the return calls when I didn't call back).....for the interest.....for the kind words.....for the authentic way you have reached into our lives and helped us know we are normal and we have hope.  You have carried us and we love you!  A quick update on Jacob: Next week we have a ton of appointments including seeing the craniofacial team, a pediatric dentist, and early intervention will be coming in to help us with his developmental needs.  We have also gotten started with a physical therapist church friend who specialized in pediatric development (you are awesome!) and she has gotten us started with a lot of good things for Jacob.  Will keep you posted!