"Deprived of a caretaker who touches and cradles her, the growing child cannot learn to bond with other people or to even process sights, sounds, and sensations. Without the sound of human voices, a child's brain does not develop language comprehension or speaking skills. Without looking at colors and textures, a baby's brain simply cannot develop the neural pathways it needs for visual skills." The Connected Child, by Karyn Purvis.
When asked this last week how we were doing, I said we were, overall, doing well. Excitement is certainly the emotion that bubbles first to the top but underneath that lies something I have tried to keep pushed down. I have done my best to suppress it, always worrying it would take the joy from this time and would leave people to think I wasn't excited to be bringing Jacob home. But even with my best efforts to keep it pushed down, all too often, it seems to make it's way to the top and threaten to pull me under. That emotion is fear.
Fear, to this magnitude, is not something I have ever struggled with. I remember the jitters of excited fear when standing in line for a roller coaster. I can remember the "empty stomach" fear as I studied for and subsequently sat for my physical therapy boards. I can even remember fear when I looked at our first son and wondered if I'd ever figure out how to be his Mommy. But this fear is much different. It's grounded not in parenting a child from another country, or even in bringing a child into our home through adoption. It is grounded in the worry that I won't be enough to help my child heal. That I will miss an important sign or message that he needs, or even worse, that he will never be able to get to the point that he does need me. It is a gut wrenching, heart aching, and lack of feeling control kind of fear.
A friend this week, who is about to welcome two boys into her home that she will be fostering, shared with me her same struggles with feeling anxious. She told me how her 10 year old son reminded her that being fearful was like we weren't trusting God. Ouch!
This week in my studies I read about Esther. Talk about fear! She was faced with the choice to either say nothing out of fear for her life, or go before the king to save the Jewish nation. You remember the story, her uncle (by the way, Esther was an orphan) told her in Esther 4:14, "And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this." Esther then went on to save the Jews through her courage and boldness in addressing the king. Interesting, it was not how Esther overcame her fear that caught my attention in this scripture passage, it was the steps Esther did to face her fear and trust God. She said to Mordecai, "Go, gather all the Jews to be found in Susa, and hold a fast on my behalf, and do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my young women will also fast as you do. Then I will go to the king, though it is against the law, and if I perish, I perish." I loved that prior to Esther facing her fear, she got her priorities in order: First, ask God (and gather your forces to help)....then, trust God.
So, dear friends and family. I ask that you go before the Lord in the next two months for our family and our son, Jacob. Need some specifics? Pray.....
1. We might be able to overcome any attachment dysfunctions, neurological alterations, sensory processing deficits, and cognitive impairments often seen in institutionalized children.
2. We can work through abandonment, loss, and grief issues with patience and progress.
3. Jacob might be able to let go of any shame, anxiety, and depression that has become a part of our little survivalists life and he would then let Mom and Dad be the bearers of those burdens.
4. Safety while we travel.
5. That Jacob would be healthy without any illness when he joins us.
6. For our 3 year old son that will be away from us for two weeks while we are gone (while your at it, throw Grandma and Grandpa in there who will be watching him.)
7. That we might be patient with each other in our transitions at home and away.
8. All our documents would be up to date, with all information required for processing, and that our adoptive, medical, and American consulate appointments would go well.
9. That we might be able to visit Jacob's orphanage and the Middle School where he was first found.
10. That Chris and I would stay healthy on the trip, free from illness from food or water borne illnesses.
11. That no repair has been done on Jacob's lip and palate before we get him. We would like to be with him through that process.
Thank you always our dear friends and family for your love and support. Our time has finally come! Today, we received our travel approval and hope to get our American Consulate Appointment (ACS) by Monday. We will then have the green light to book our flights and the date Jacob will be placed in our arms will be confirmed! We are very excited........now, onto that second step I learned from Esther.......Trust God!
Rescue Me by Selah
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