Lean Not On Your Own Understanding

Doing a puzzle with Grandma

Our first week home with Jacob has been a roller coaster of emotions.  Dealing with jet lag and doctors appointments have almost consumed any energy and coping skills we have.  Monday was the hardest day.

Cincinnati is blessed to have the International Adoption Center (IAC) at the Cincinnati Children's Hospital.  It is comprised of a team that includes a social worker, nurse, and physician who specialize in internationally adopted children.  The physician is an adoptive Mom herself of three children.  On Monday, we had our post adopt appointment.  This consisted of a review of systems by a nurse, an evaluation by the medical doctor, an evaluation by an occupational therapist, and a visit with the therapist.  It was a long day and was topped off with one TB test, 2 shots, and 13 vials of blood drawn (yes, you read that right....13! I about died when I saw her pulling them out.) 

We received a lot of information that day and here is the summary:

Referrals: We are being referred for consultations with urology and the cleft lip and palate team which includes a plastic surgeon, ENT, and genetics specialist.  Jacob is also to have an appointment with a pediatric dentist, and receive a hearing and visual screen.  We will await results that tested for parasites in his stool and all the titres to see if his immunizations are effective (hence, all the blood drawn.) 

Developmental: Jacob is in the 12-14 month range in nearly all developmental tests with the exception of speech where he rated a very low 6 month score.  Between the differences in language and his cleft lip and palate, I can't see that the testing was reliable for our little guy (did it test what it was supposed to test?)  I imagine in about a year after starting to make sounds from the English language and actually have a palate to make those sounds, his scores will be much better.  On an up side, everyone has been impressed with his social skills and how easily he has "taken" to Chris and I. 

Body Measurements:  Jacob is near the 50th percentile for weight, 15th percentile for height, but has dropped off the scale in head circumference measurements.  We don't know what this means or why this has happened.  When we received our referral in July, his measurements placed him in the 10-15th percentile for head circumference.  Doctors say the slow down in head size (which reflects brain development) may be due to various factors including poor nutrition, poor stimulation, genetics, etc.  This was not news Chris or I had been prepared to hear. 

As you can imagine, we were overwhelmed with it all and trying to process what it meant.  We were ready for the developmental delays but not in the slow down of his body growth.  It was a difficult night.  (Thank you to our neighbors who provided dinner that night....I just didn't have the energy to cook.) 

I once again found myself back on that roller coaster of fear and doubt.  But God, in his infinite wisdom and faithfulness, placed people and his word in my life to remind me who was in control. Not a test that tells me of a multitude of developmental delays.  He's bigger than that. Not an upcoming series of surgeries that will likely last well into Jacob's adolescence.  He's bigger than that.  Not even after the crushing news that Jacob's head was not keeping up with the growth curve.  God can certainly speak more truth into my life than a silly measurement tape.  I have had to choose (and keep choosing) to lay my burdens at His feet.  And when I take them up again and realize how heavy they are, I have to remind myself to give them back.  It allows me to open my eyes to the blessings around me when all you want to do is crawl under the covers.  And open my eyes to his blessings he did...... 

• The blessings of watching Jacob figure out how to crawl down the steps and to get off a couch without pitching himself forward.  The blessings of getting him to take some slightly thicker liquids with a spoon this week.  Watching him use sign language for "Daddy" when my husband was out of the room.  Today, he actually matched a puzzle piece to the right spot.  Victories.  Small, but they are there and I don't want to miss them in my discouragement or take away the celebration of these moments because I allow fear to enter and steal my joy. 

• Our immediate family was quick to listen and remind me that this child was given to us by his Creator.  He was meant for our household and God must believe we are up to the task.  They promised me their support and their prayers and that they would love our son no matter what.  My sister told me I was a "good Mom" and my sis-in-law reminded me of my resourcefulness and had faith that I was already researching brain building activities and food on the internet (Guilty!)

• A new "Preschool Mom" friend was touching base with me outside the classroom and a conversation that began innocent enough gave me a platform to share my struggles with the news we had heard the day prior.  She told me of two of her friends who courageously fought for their children who had great medical needs.  As we shared tears together she reminded me of the power of a Mother's love.  A reminder I needed to hear. 

• Even just the blessings of a friend emailing me to tell me what a joy it was to hold our sweet baby.

They are small things but each add up to give one courage for the days ahead and joy in the present time.  I am holding tight to the verse in proverbs written below.  I will not lean on my own understanding.  I will not lean on tests and measurements.  I will trust in the Lord.....with all my heart. 


Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

Another Spin on the Carousel



Homecoming


I am always amazed at the lessons I get in my own selfishness.  Years ago as a newlywed, I came to understand in a great way how selfish I was.  One night when I was wallowing in my "misery" that I wasn't getting my way about something, I realized how unfair I was in trying to manipulate my husband to get what I wanted.  It was like God put a yield sign in front of me and said, "Look what you're doing and look at whom you're doing it to."  It was one of those gifts that changed my life and how I interact in it and with others.  It was a lesson to learn about my sinful nature but expanded exponentially my gratefulness for the cross.   

The lesson I received early in my marriage gave me no mastery of this selfish nature but it helped me to recognize it and take less spins on that carousel once I got on.  I had another real good bout of it after giving birth to my son.  I grieved heavily the loss of my independence and my choice to leave my profession to be at home. 

Jacob's first 30 hours in our home have been "challenging."  My frustrations hit their peak last night after  Jacob went down at 9:00 PM for his "nap" and awoke three hours later. He was not to hit a good deep sleep again until 7:00 AM, one hour before our other son gets up.  I took another spin on the carousel that night.  "Lord", I prayed, "I just need sleep.  How can I be the epitome of a parent that wants to bond when I am so exhausted and resenting where I am right now?"

So here I am the second night at 3:00 AM in the morning.  Jacob and I slept from 9:00 PM- 3:00 AM.  A huge victory.  Not only in the sleep but that I have gotten off the carousel.  I looked at him at 3:00 AM and said, "Good job little buddy." 

Getting off that carousel can be hard but I am thankful that I can.  I have had so much love and wisdom to get me this far:

• I have learned to forgive myself.  The redeeming work has already been done and I get to bask in it.....I have learned to grasp onto it so I don't miss the fullness this life has to offer that my inability to forgive could steal from me and my family. 

• I have surrounded myself with wise people. I have been blessed to have people that have spoken truth into my life and encouraged me.  I know genuine love from a remarkable and supportive biological family, a church family, and good friends.  It is the greatest thing in the world.

• I have adoptive friends that have been real with me.  They told me of their honest struggles and things to expect when we received Jacob.  What a remarkable gift that was.  There were times in China I looked at Jacob and thought, "I don't know if I can attach to you.  I don't know if I am selfless enough to be what you need.  What have I done?"  My friends told me these moments would come and when they did, I was able to see them for what they were.  Not a reflection of my love and dedication to Jacob but a reflection of my selfishness.  I did not wallow in the shame as I might have done had I not been prepared for these feelings. 

• I have focused on the positives.  Last night as I was praying for sleep there was some work being done.  For one, we were able to sit and be in the same room with the dog without screaming in fear (I think we may have even let her get a few sniffs in!).  Jacob and I also had some time alone to explore the house, play with a few toys and understand each other a little better. 

I know I will get back on that carousel again.  ("I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. Romans 7:15")  By the Grace of God, I have received the ability to get off. 

Welcome Home

Welcome Home

Tonight as you lie sleeping

For the first time in your bed,

There must be something lasting

And profound that should be said.

But as your face is gazed upon

Framed by your soft, shiny hair

No words can tell or quite express

The feelings that we share.

The wait is finally over

You're home, at last, to stay.

And there will always be the memories

Of the joy that filled this day.

With a love that's running over

By the sight of you alone

Welcome home, dear cherished one,

At long last....welcome home!

~Author Unknown

Coming Home

Our time in China has come to an end.  Many of my posts have been about what we've done and who we've met.  I wanted to dedicate this post while here to the little boy we came to get....Jacob.  Each day, as we all get to know each other better, we are showing more of our "true colors."  Every day has been a whole new discovery in who he is, and how we fit together as a family.  Here's what I have learned in the 1 1/2 weeks about our newest family member......
 

• He communicates very well.  Almost from day one he has been a "talker" (Heather- not so sure I'm going to get the verbal child break we were anticipating!)   Between Chris and I working with him on some basic sign language (signs for bottle, more, Mommy, and Daddy) and learning Jacob's different sounds and schedule, we have started to communicate in a way I believe has exponentially allowed us to bond.   Language and the ability to understand each other is so powerful!  He imitates us and has picked up on much cueing with little difficulty.  I remember the first time Jacob looked at me, pointed at something that interested him, and then verbally made a noise to indicate his interest.  A huge wave of relief flooded through me and I thought, "Okay, we can do this."   
• He loves mirrors and books!  Between looking at pictures and just the amazement that flipping pages brings, books have brought us not only great bonding opportunities, but has let Chris and I eat our dinner while Jacob played in his highchair.  "Goodnight Moon" immediately became our favorite bedtime book!
• Jacob loves to explore!  I was expecting some sensory processing difficulties but he loves to play so much that he overcomes a lot of this through his curiosity.  He retreated his hands the first time I washed them but after setting him back on the ground, he wanted to try it again.  The bath was a breeze because splashing water is too much fun (of course stacking cups in the bath water were also a huge draw!)  His fingers go into everything and grab everything from knives off the table to outlets.  I have forgotten what it's like to have a 20 month old!
• Jacob has no sense of safety.  He'd plunge head first off the bed and down a set of stairs if we let him.  I think I remember this is normal for this age but I suspect there was little "danger" in the orphange environment so our boundaries are much different.
• He is a snuggler!  The child will not go to sleep if he is not on you.  Mind you, not just lying beside you.  He must be on your chest.  I'm certain I will pay for this later but it has been so wonderful to snuggle up with him during our time in China.  I am thankful that once asleep, we have been able to transfer him into his crib with relative ease.
• His cleft lip and palate can be very entertaining:  He can clean out the inside of his nose.  A rare talent!  Another thing we have fallen in love with and will miss after his surgeries are the way the sides of his upper lip wing out when he smiles.  It makes us laugh! We have been thankful to be able to bring him home presurgery and know him as he was created....our beautiful son! 
• The kid has perfected the "fake" whine!  I imagine that served him well in the orhpanage and after the passivity and complacency we experienced from him the first few days as a family, we are happy to have him ask us for things!  (At least right now!)

Tomorrow we will leave China and land on US soil.  Jacob will be a US citizen as soon as he steps foot off the plane at our connection in D.C.  Our road ahead promises to be rocky with surgeries, therapies, and a new home life for all of us to adapt to.  But it's like my sister always says when we hike, "Slow and steady climbs the mountain."  If we only focus on getting to the top, we will never get the meaning that God gives us in the journey.  Six years after starting our journey to Jacob, I know this is true.  Had I not learned, listened, worshiped, and loved, I would have sat right down on the valley floor and never seen what God had wanted to teach me.  He has given us so much meaning in this life and we are blessed to be able to share this with Jacob.  This is the best legacy we can give him. 

Our beautiful son! 

 

The view from here‏

Throughout these last couple weeks, there have been some people that we have crossed paths with that have helped make our time special here.  I want to share with you some of the people and stories that have inspired us, given us hope, and made us feel like our family here in China is much bigger than we ever thought it would be...

There was the young lady we met at the civil affairs office when completing our adoption.  She was with her tiny little daughter who had a congenital heart deformity that would require surgery when she made it back to the states.  She told me she was traveling alone and her husband was home with their seven children, 4 adopted domestically and 3 from Ghana.  Her Dad would be joining her in Guangzhou to help with the long flight back to the states as her daughter would likely need to be on oxygen in flight and she was eager to have the help.  I asked her if she and her husband had to fight over who got to come to China and she said, "pretty much."  I told her she was brave and she said, "Brave or stupid."  We both laughed about that.

Then there were the multitude of American families that were at the medical checks. One child was missing her legs from her knees down and one arm.  One mom had left her husband and three sons back at the hotel room while she completed the check with their Chinese daughter with Down Syndrome.  One family in our group is adopting a 2 1/2 year old that is fully deaf in one ear and partially in the other.  Of course, there are lots of us with cleft lip and palate children.  Many adoptive families stay at the Garden Hotel here in Guangzhou as we all funnel through the American consulate.  It has been a time of celebration to take this path together and to share our stories.  

 

There are the Mengels from our agency who will hopefully be traveling in the next two months to pick up their son, Samuel, who is also from our orphanage.  We have been in contact with them since receiving our referrals and as soon as they learned we were making a visit to the orphanage, they asked us to keep an eye out for their son.  The day of our tour we were almost finished.  I was alone in the room where our kids played and I remembered that I was supposed to look for him.  I went back to the crib room and there was Samuel who had stayed in the room while the other children had crossed the hall with the nannies to another playroom.  It was like he was waiting for me to find him so his Mom and Dad could see his pictures.  I snapped some adorable shots of him on a rocking horse.  The Mengels were so excited to have the pics that night and I was so happy I found him.  It's what we do.  Adoptive families.  We are always looking forward and backward in what we can do to help each other.    

 

 There was the Chinese gentleman who stopped at our breakfast table one morning and said, "You adopting?"  He could not take his eyes off Jacob. He then asked if we would be repairing his lip.  I said "yes" and he began to cry.  He said, "I get very emotional.  I'm glad he will go to a good home.  You are good to take him."  I told him we were blessed.  He said, as he touched my shoulder, "Yes, you are blessed."  

 

We met Amy, one of our adoption agency's Chinese coordinators while in Beijing.  She was telling us she commutes 2 hours one way to come to work but talked about how much meaning she found in what she does.  I asked what she did with her time while on the train and she said, "On the way in, I read my Bible, on the way home, I read something else."  She is one of my Chinese sisters in Christ.  

 

There is the family from Washington state that stopped us in the lobby.  They are adopting two cleft lip children while here in China, and have one biological son that had it also (they will have a total of 9 children after their time in China- 5 bios, 4 adopted.)  The wife told me how jealous she was ours was not yet repaired as she wanted another "crack" at the surgeries from the beginning.  We laughed and shared stories and she gave me lots of advice.  It is clear they are passionate about the orphan and feel God has called them to bring home their children.  Their stories of God's faithfulness brought tears to my eyes.   

 

There are many of you who have emailed from home.  Sending me pictures and telling me stories that have made us remember that we would be home soon and that we would be loved.  Thank you.  For as good as our time together has been in China, our hearts have pined for the familiarity, family, and friends that home promises. 

 

Of course, the ones I have met that have left the greatest impressions are the orphans themselves.  There was the little boy in Jacob's orphanage that sat in a tiny chair looking forlorn in the corner.  He had been dropped off that day by a police officer.  I'd say he was about 3, my biological son's age.  Each orphan we have met on the street, in our travel group, or in the hotel lobby has a story.  Some come from rich foster environments and others from cold environments where they lived in terror.  They are all survivors and I respect each one of them and pray they will thrive in their new homes.   

 

The experiences have been rich with love as well as pain.  It is clear that God wants to set the lonely in families (Psalms 68:6) and meeting some of those families has given me fuel and inspiration for the journey ahead.  We are not alone.  We are sisters and brothers who want to serve in an arena God has called us to.  It is not easy, and some of the kids we have seen will have much longer roads than others.  We are blessed with what God has revealed to us while here about His nature and about His people.

"Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows."

Isaiah 1:17

Two Days- Two Historical Adventures (Part 2)‏

While visiting the Terra Cotta Warriors was a wonderful cultural tour of part of China's history, on Thursday, we made a journey for Jacob's history.  We searched for his finding place.  Chinese are not allowed to place their children up for adoption.  Should there be a reason they cannot care for their children, they must abandon them somewhere.  Jacob was found outside the gate of a middle school.  The thought is that most parents abandon their children in a busy public place, where they will be found and cared for.  It brings some comfort in being able to tell one's child that their parents gave some thought to this.  Our guide was telling us that could Chinese families afford care for their children born to them with special needs, then they would not abandon them.  I feel for Jacob's birth Mom.  Making a decision to let him go so he could get the care he needed....I'm certain she had no idea even how to feed him.  I join many adoptive parents from China in hopes that someday there will be a safe way for these Chinese parents to come out of hiding so their children can find them.  This would require the government to choose not to punish familes for abandoning their children.  In the meantime, we as adoptive parents try to piece together as best we can our child's history, and finding his "finding place" is one piece of his puzzle. 

 

It was a long day.....8 hours in the car, 30 minutes of which was spent outside.  We traveled with the Lopez family who has adopted a daughter, Ailani, from the same orphanage.  We started with their finding place first.  A small village in the mountains.  Our guide, Sherri (who might just be the best adoption travel guide in the world!), advised that should they decide to get out of the car to get pictures with their daughter, that she should hold her.....foreigners were one thing but foreigners holding a Chinese child was a whole different story.  Ailani's finding place was a little less specific.  They only know that she was found somewhere in the village.

 

We then headed to the town where we would find the middle school gate that Jacob was found on 3/5/11.  Recess was just beginng so the school yard was full of children.  I wondered if Jacob would have gone to school there.  His finding place was very specific and there was only one gate to the entrance of the school.  It was a meanigful moment for Chris and I.  Chris hopped out and filmed while our guide got out with our camera to investigate the area.  She came back to the van and said she thought it was okay that I get out with Jacob to get some pictures.  We must have been a very unusual site when four adults and one baby get out and start filming everything in a 360 degree radius.  After some pictures with Jacob, I got back in the van while Chris, Sherri, and our new friend, Gilberto Lopez took some more pictures.  Gilberto even thought to grab me a few leaves from the area to press in a book and Chris found a rock.  We were definitely drawing a crowd and I was just happy to sit in the van with Jacob and try to take it all in.  People were busy working in the streets, and a lady was selling some type of candy treat outside the school.  The Chinese flag flew over the school and there was a beautiful Pagoda in the schoolyard.  The wonderful sounds of kids laughing and playing at recess with their beautiful asian smiles just added to the time.  It was a happy place, not the somber experience I was expecting.  I tried to envision so many unknowable things about the day Jacob was found....how cold was it?.....was it still dark out?....did he wait for long?....did his birthmom wait around a corner to see if he was found?....did he cry?....was he hungry?  So many questions we will never know.  Another puzzle to his life that has been added but so many others will likely never be known.  Perhaps Jacob will care, perhaps he won't.  Perhaps we will return to this school with him someday, perhaps we won't.  It's hard to know what will be important to Jacob, or what he will need.  On the ride back through town, as we descended a mountain, I felt very grateful for the day God had given me.  I don't believe I even shed one tear.  It was just such a blessing to be able to do this for him, and for us and we were ever so thankful that we are the last to "find" him.

 

Two Days- Two Historical Adventure (Part One)

On Wednesday, we went to see the Terra Cotta Warriors.  I knew they were described to be impressive but nothing prepares you for their awesomeness when you see them in person.  They were built 200 B.C. to protect an emperor in his afterlife.  They are made of terra cotta, and each soldier was carved with it's own individual features.  They are in 3 different "pits" and each pit is very different.  Fast forward to 1976 when they were discovered by a man building a well.  This began a whole new human feat.  As the 8,000 warriors have been excavated, only 1 was actually found to be intact.  The rest were smashed from an angry emperor coming through after the death of the one that built them as well as natural causes from the roof falling.  The thing that I have found while being in China, is the Chinese population are hard, purposeful workers.  It was interesting watching the excavators work to tediously piece together the warriors one by one as they work toward the goal of restoring all 8,000 figures.  If they cannot piece together a part, then they remake it out of the clay around the soldier.  It's takes about two years to do this.

As I laid in bed that night, thinking about this patience and persistence I realized that adopting Jacob is not much different.  It will take patience over the long haul and as he navigates through all his questions and feelings, we will all be there to put those pieces back together for him. More importantly, he was made from a Potter that will allow us to do this.  Really, what the Potter offers is the only thing that will make us whole.  With God, we will work with purpose over the long haul, loving Jacob and creating our family, in whatever pieces it comes in. 

Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.  Isaiah 64:8 

 

The Highest Highs and the Lowest Lows‏

 

This was one of those days that you live through and later realize you had a greater glimpse into the depth of love that God has for us.  You know that kind of love?  The kind of love where you feel that he cares about the littlest detail in your life and wants you to have it.  Not that we could ever understand it and with our sinful natures, we won't ever fully grasp it, but some days I think we open ourselves up to experiencing and recognizing it a little more.  How much the Father does love us.

 

After breakfast today we headed off to the Children's Welfare Institute of Weinan City, Jacob's home for the last 20 months.  Entering the courtyard I knew it was going to be a nice facility.  The outside was decorated with colorful murals of nature and children's scenes and there was landscaping with various statues of small animals.  There was also a beautiful fountain right in the center of the driveway entry.

 

Chris decided to stay outside with Jacob as we felt it best not to bring him in.  I was the lone representative from our family.  We entered the building and were ushered into a sitting room with coffee tables full of seeds, fruit, and vegetables.  The orphanage director was seated on one couch and the rest of us (two adoptive families, our agency staff, a city official, and orphanage staff) were seated on couches around the room.  We visited for a while and listened as our translator told us what was being said and our pictures were being taken by the orphanage staff.  The director welcomed us and said he hoped we would return in the future with our families and he was happy to see the children were getting placed in good homes.  There were lots of smiles and "Xie Xies" going around.

 

We then toured the facility and got to see where Jacob spent the first 20 months of his life.  I saw his crib and the area where he played.  There was Chinese music in the background and lots of sunshine coming in the windows.  His nannies are clearly loved by the children and it was a blessing to see them interact.  The family we have been traveling with brought their daughter on the tour and it was touching to see her nanny tear up when she had to say goodbye.  She needed a few moments to herself and as she passed me I reached out my arm to embrace her shoulder.  I am so thankful for the work they have done to get our children to this point.

 

We also had one unexpected blessing.  We had been told that we could not take pictures once inside.  But between the orphanage staff taking pictures and my agency taking pictures for waiting parents, they decided we could take some so our guide ran out to get my camera.  I was able to get for Jacob some pics of his crib, the nannies, and the room where he played. 

 

I am thankful to be able to add today to Jacob's journey.  Someday, I will tell him all about the Chinese children's music that was playing on the DVD player and the bright, beautiful murals that were painted on the wall.  I will tell him about the open window and the bright sunlight that was streaming in.  I will tell him about the love and care I witnessed in watching the emotions of the nannies and the gentle care they gave.  I will tell him that our guide said it was one of the nicest orphanges she has seen.  But the one thing I will also tell him is the sense of relief and thankfulness I felt when I exited the building, knowing that Jacob would never spend another night there.  Good as it was, it's not a home.  It's not what God intended in raising our children.  I couldn't hold him close enough as we waited outside for our group to finish.

 

We were eager to be back "home" after another emotional day.  Jacob laid down with Chris to take a nap and it was then our little son began grieving.  It was very hard for all of us.  I have been ready and waiting for it but it doesn't make it any easier.  Our little one mourned inconsolably for over an hour and we just held him and matched his grief with our own tears.  I told Jacob how sorry I was for the losses he was experiencing and I told him how much I loved him.  I wished I could do something to help his pain but I am also thankful he is letting himself grieve.  It is said this is an important and necessary part to the process of bonding and attaching. 

 

I have no idea what tomorrow will hold.  Sometimes grieving in this way lasts for one day, and sometimes months.  But I know that I will be there again, to cry with Jacob and share his losses, and tell him how much the Father does love us.

 

Lamentations 3:22 – 25

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him. ” (NIV)

Gotcha Day: China Adoption November 4th, 2012

Before I tell you all about our little Jacob...the real reason you have come to read this post, I want to share with you the few hours prior to meeting him.  We were dropped off at our hotel from the airport and had about two hours to organize and get ready to leave.  As we were trying to imagine what the next few hours would hold, I began to reflect on the hours just before Ethan, our biological son was born and how different their "births" into our family have been. 

I had given birth to Ethan naturally and without medications. While the physical pain was great, it's effects were short and quickly forgotten when he had been placed in our arms.  In contrast, the couple hours prior to Jacob's arrival were peaceful.  I was able to freshen up, have something to eat, and we even had some time spent in prayer together with another adoptive family we are traveling with.  Jacob's arrival bears little physical pain but has been wrought with emotional pain.  Unlike the forgotten physical pain with Ethan, this emotional burden will carry it's scars for a while as we navigate through surgeries, attachment, bonding, and change. 

We arrived to the Civil Affairs office late due to traffic and found the elevator was not working.  As we headed up the steps to the sixth floor I began to hear crying and just knew that it was Jacob.  He was sitting alone in a chair when we entered the crowded room and yes, it was Jacob that had been crying.  As you can imagine, the Caucasian man and woman approaching him with the oddest expressions of joy, heartache, and fear was not the answer he had been seeking in response to his cries.  Chris clicked on the camera and I knelt beside him as he sat in the chair.  He made little eye contact with me and I was trying to be very patient as I knelt in front of him.  I wasn't sure grabbing him in a crushing hug and telling him I had waited my whole life for him would result in the outcome I was hoping to achieve!  We made a little headway in giving him a bunny (Thank you Elli!) and a toy car.  Eventually, we just decided to hold our hands out in the universal "would you like to be picked" sign and up came his arms toward us.  From then on (at least as of this writing) there have been very few tears! 
 

Jacob sitting in the chair with bunny.

In our arms at last!

Jacob's cleft is pretty severe so that has and will take some getting used to.  We are still fumbling through keeping him clean in this region as well as the greater challenge of getting him fed.  Unfortunately, we received very little information on the type of bottle and formula they were using, and when and how they feed him.  Please be in prayer for us here as we are still struggling through all this and getting him fed has been very stressful for me.

Feedings.

Jacob is slowly letting us see more and more of his personality.  He is into everything and loves pictures of faces and mirrors.  He also is "talking" to us, pointing at things he likes, and seeks our eye contact to make sure he has our attention on the object he is focused on.  This is all very good and helps for bonding that he wants to include us in his interests.  We have enjoyed standing in front of the hotel mirror together and letting him not only see himself, but see us holding him.  It is also clear that he loves balls and cars so he and Ethan should hit it off right away.....until they both realize this means they will want to play with the same toys!

I have to say the day was full of emotions that were all over the map.  From: "What the heck have we done?" to "This is one of the greatest days of our lives."  I imagine we will have many more days like that but one thing I know, we are full of love.  Even in the moments when we fear or our hearts ache from missing Ethan, we feel God incessantly whispering his love to our hearts.  Today as we were struggling with getting Jacob to take a bottle, I began to cry and God did not let me grieve for more than a second when he laid the words on my heart that he would not give me more than I could handle.  He assured me that He specifically knows that this child will thrive in our home because He has chosen us to be His parents.  For now, even in the midst of this emotional roller coaster, that is enough.  It is all I need to know. 

On this Gotcha Day, our dear, long awaited and wanted son, it is all you will ever need to know.  Not only that we love you, but that your original Gotcha Day came out of the greatest love, over two thousand years ago on a cross.  It is enough.   

Nihao, China!‏

We are finally here!  China, the birthplace of our youngest son.

The weather today in Beijing was cold and rainy but nothing seems to be able to dampen our spirits.  Everything we do seems to have this sensation that something greater is yet to come. 

The Forbidden City was extraordinary but counted as nothing next to why we are here.  Climbing the Great Wall increased our heartbeats and our breathing but will never compare to how they will cease when we hold you the first time.  The food is delicious but provides mainly the nourishment needed to sustain us on our journey to Jacob. 

Tomorrow is the day we have been waiting for.  Life for all four of us will change.   

The last 48 hours have been a whirlwind of emotions, culture change, and exhaustion.  Yet in the midst of these challenges, God gave me a blessing when we arrived to China.  The airport was busy and our guide had been delayed in traffic so was not at the designated area when we were supposed to meet.  As you can imagine, this created some stress for us.  When she finally arrived and we began to head toward our car, she reached up and touched a cross necklace I was wearing and said, "You a Christian?"  I shook my head yes to her and she said, "I'm a Christian.  We are sisters."  We then hugged each other and laughed.  Even in the midst of my conflicted emotions, stress, and loneliness, God takes the time to remind me that He is here on this journey with me. 
 

Nihao, China!  We are finally here!