It's hard to believe our baby boy turns 3 today. 3 years old! I can't believe it....where has the time gone? It seems just months ago I was staring at his picture willing him home. Now, he sleeps peacefully and beautifully upstairs, as though he has been here forever.
We have so much to celebrate! The year has been a roller coaster of huge peaks but also deep valleys, yet here we are, thankful for every day that we have together. The colorful balloons, brightly wrapped presents, and celebratory feel to the day testifies to the joy in our home to be celebrating with Jacob.But catch me at the right moment, and you will see a sober, reflective woman who is haunted by the past. By things she can't control and by days she can never have.
Jacob's birth. His first birthday. The first half of his life......his first 20 months of snuggling, feeding, rocking, reading, discovering, laughing, learning, loving, trusting.....these will never be ours together. Why do I have such a hard time letting go of this?
I know the answer. After 16 months, I have fallen madly in love with him. All his loss, all his pain, all his neglect, all his lack of touch, all the bottles he drank alone, all the nights he cried with no one to hold him.......I have felt the sting of this, and I wish I could take it away from him. I wish I could have been there. I wish....I wish......
I wish love didn't hurt this much.
But if it didn't, I wouldn't be able to look Jacob in the eye on our hardest days and see the behavior apart from the child. You see, this pain of knowing his past has given me empathy, the cornerstone to building attachment with my son. This pain has given me compassion, as I try to see how his past might color his present. This pain helps me fight for him, in knowing he doesn't even know what he should be fighting against.
And so I let the pain have it's way. I suspect it will always show up in some form on this day for years to come. It comes in for a reflective visit, and then leaves as soon as the festivities begin. It will always be a part of our story as a family and my journey as a Mom.
Happy 3rd birthday to one of my heroes. You have journeyed through more in 36 months than most people do in a lifetime. You are loving, joyous, stubborn, wickedly smart, funny, and beautiful. Your ever increasing hugs and snuggles light my day and encourage me in this journey of being your "mama".
I'm so thankful on this 3rd birthday, that love hurts this much.
