- Stocked freezer with meals: Check!
- Children's surgical guide read: Check!
- Childcare plans made for bio son (and dog!): Check (thanks Mom!)
- Successfully weaned cleft lip/palate child off bottle: Check! Last bottle was last night :(
- Overnight bag packed for hospital stay: Check!
- Schedule cleared and hubby off work for surgery and recovery time: Check!
- Necessary paperwork together (pediatrician clearance, insurance, pharmacy info, co-pay): Check!
- Mental preparedness for our son to have a new look to his marvelous face: ?? (No!!!)
Jacob's cleft lip and palate is not minor. It is bilateral (meaning on both sides), large, and messy. At the ripe old age of 22 months, he has never had a repair. Unusual in the US during this time of modern medicine. I remember the car ride back to our hotel in the first hours he was placed in our arms. As he was sleeping, I took the opportunity to study his face. I wondered if we'd ever get used to the staring, if we'd ever learn how to take care of him and feed him, and if we'd ever be able to look at him without "seeing" his cleft. The answer is a grateful and resounding "yes". We hardly bat an eye when he cleans out the side of his nose with his tongue. Not only do we no longer see his cleft, but it has become such a beautiful part of our life that we can't imagine him without it. We have accepted and embraced it. This led to a "large" display of emotions over the weekend as I sat in my husband's lap sobbing for our little boy and his upcoming surgical transformation.
As Jacob has come into our home, we have realized that it is not just a process of integrating him into our family but a process of creating our family into something new. None of us is going through this unchanged. We have all learned new meanings about sacrifice, commitment, love, forgiveness, and what it means to be a family. We have learned to accept each other for who we are, where we are, and commit to helping each other through the difficult AND the good times. In an odd way that maybe only cleft parents or adoptive families would understand (or perhaps I am just weird...which is entirely possible!), it feels like we are abandoning this unconditional acceptance by wheeling him into surgery. In the face of his imminent surgery, I now see that having the procedure is not something I need for myself. He is perfect just the way he is and we have fallen in love with him just the way he is.
I am once again brought to my knees in gratefulness for the lessons and love God has given me during this season of life. He has allowed and is allowing our adoption process to bloom into fruition ever so slowly. There were times I prayed things would move more quickly and nights I would tell him I want a "take back" because I couldn't do this anymore. Even then, I could always hear him whisper, "Wait for it, I have something for you. It will take all your time, and all your energy, and all your resources...and it will be wonderful." God has given us time to cultivate the ground and plant the seed. Now he is letting it grow. Little by little, as we are learning more about Him and learning how to better take care of this garden, he is blooming and opening up a bounty of blessings into something more beautiful than we could have ever imagined.
Surgery will be this Friday and we are as ready as we will ever be. Between now and then, we will get as many sweet puckered up cleft lip kisses as time allows and try for as many smiles as he will give. Jacob's face will soon be transformed just as my heart has been since the day he was put in our arms. We covet your prayers.
The Lutz Family
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