The Highest Highs and the Lowest Lows‏

 

This was one of those days that you live through and later realize you had a greater glimpse into the depth of love that God has for us.  You know that kind of love?  The kind of love where you feel that he cares about the littlest detail in your life and wants you to have it.  Not that we could ever understand it and with our sinful natures, we won't ever fully grasp it, but some days I think we open ourselves up to experiencing and recognizing it a little more.  How much the Father does love us.

 

After breakfast today we headed off to the Children's Welfare Institute of Weinan City, Jacob's home for the last 20 months.  Entering the courtyard I knew it was going to be a nice facility.  The outside was decorated with colorful murals of nature and children's scenes and there was landscaping with various statues of small animals.  There was also a beautiful fountain right in the center of the driveway entry.

 

Chris decided to stay outside with Jacob as we felt it best not to bring him in.  I was the lone representative from our family.  We entered the building and were ushered into a sitting room with coffee tables full of seeds, fruit, and vegetables.  The orphanage director was seated on one couch and the rest of us (two adoptive families, our agency staff, a city official, and orphanage staff) were seated on couches around the room.  We visited for a while and listened as our translator told us what was being said and our pictures were being taken by the orphanage staff.  The director welcomed us and said he hoped we would return in the future with our families and he was happy to see the children were getting placed in good homes.  There were lots of smiles and "Xie Xies" going around.

 

We then toured the facility and got to see where Jacob spent the first 20 months of his life.  I saw his crib and the area where he played.  There was Chinese music in the background and lots of sunshine coming in the windows.  His nannies are clearly loved by the children and it was a blessing to see them interact.  The family we have been traveling with brought their daughter on the tour and it was touching to see her nanny tear up when she had to say goodbye.  She needed a few moments to herself and as she passed me I reached out my arm to embrace her shoulder.  I am so thankful for the work they have done to get our children to this point.

 

We also had one unexpected blessing.  We had been told that we could not take pictures once inside.  But between the orphanage staff taking pictures and my agency taking pictures for waiting parents, they decided we could take some so our guide ran out to get my camera.  I was able to get for Jacob some pics of his crib, the nannies, and the room where he played. 

 

I am thankful to be able to add today to Jacob's journey.  Someday, I will tell him all about the Chinese children's music that was playing on the DVD player and the bright, beautiful murals that were painted on the wall.  I will tell him about the open window and the bright sunlight that was streaming in.  I will tell him about the love and care I witnessed in watching the emotions of the nannies and the gentle care they gave.  I will tell him that our guide said it was one of the nicest orphanges she has seen.  But the one thing I will also tell him is the sense of relief and thankfulness I felt when I exited the building, knowing that Jacob would never spend another night there.  Good as it was, it's not a home.  It's not what God intended in raising our children.  I couldn't hold him close enough as we waited outside for our group to finish.

 

We were eager to be back "home" after another emotional day.  Jacob laid down with Chris to take a nap and it was then our little son began grieving.  It was very hard for all of us.  I have been ready and waiting for it but it doesn't make it any easier.  Our little one mourned inconsolably for over an hour and we just held him and matched his grief with our own tears.  I told Jacob how sorry I was for the losses he was experiencing and I told him how much I loved him.  I wished I could do something to help his pain but I am also thankful he is letting himself grieve.  It is said this is an important and necessary part to the process of bonding and attaching. 

 

I have no idea what tomorrow will hold.  Sometimes grieving in this way lasts for one day, and sometimes months.  But I know that I will be there again, to cry with Jacob and share his losses, and tell him how much the Father does love us.

 

Lamentations 3:22 – 25

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him. ” (NIV)