Hurry up and....wait.

Hurry up and wait.  It is a common practice for those of us waiting to adopt, and this week did not disappoint.  In the span of 5 days we received travel approval from China (yea!), made our appointment at the American Consulate, booked our international flights, and sent away applications for our Visas!  Now........we wait. 

Waiting.  The word has taken on a whole new meaning to me in the last 6 years.  I wish I had a nickel for every time I told someone we were "still waiting."  The length of our wait even inspired me to make myself a T-shirt online that said: "L.I.D (Long, Irrational Delay)."  For those of you a little behind on your China adopt lingo, L.I.D. stands for "Log In Date".  It's the date we were placed into the Chinese computer and started our "wait".  I'll be happy to never say that word again in reference to our adoption.  I'm ready for the wait to be over and have Jacob in our arms. 

But one thing I can say without a doubt, I wouldn't trade a minute of waiting to miss what God has shown me through this time.  Mostly, it has been a lesson of trust, dependence, and perseverance.  To stray from this course at any time was never a consideration in our mind.  The strength of our resolve and the blessings of this sweet time with the Lord allowed an intimacy with Him I wouldn't have known otherwise.

An encouraging church friend wrote me this week after reading my last post and said 2 Tim 1:7 came to his mind, "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline." He then went on to say, "Do not let your fear make you timid.  Remember our God is one of power and love.  You have practiced a lot of self-discipline to get where you are at this time so continue to rely on God." After reading that, I thought, "He's right!  How did I so quickly let go of 6 years of faithful waiting and the lessons I have learned, in the face of this new fear?"  God is faithful!  He has been, He is, and He will be....no matter what! 

I remember a very poignant time during our wait that has gotten me through many long days.  Chris and I were sitting in the movie theater July of 2008 watching the movie "Fireproof."  We were 16 months into an adoption wait that was "supposed" to be only 18 months long.  We were beginning to see the handwriting on the wall.....that the China adoption program had put on the brakes....okay, more like come to a halt and we were beginning to feel the emotional burden of this unknown.  While watching the movie that night, a song called, "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller, came on.  I would have sworn he had written it for me and meant for me to hear it that night.  Sitting in the theater, sobbing quietly, I resolved that no matter how long I would wait, I would continue to serve the Lord with a loving and faithful heart and I would hold no bitterness while doing so.  I opened my life to whatever He wanted to teach me during that time. And teach me He did.  He taught me about a Love that goes beyond anything I could ever want.  One that could fill any hole I could ever have, and could make this wait a joyful and promise filled one. 

I think we are always waiting for something.  Let's not let the work of the Lord and the joy He wants us to know in this world pass us by while we wait.  May the words I heard that night speak also to your hearts: 

While I'm Waiting :

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Carry Me Over

"Deprived of a caretaker who touches and cradles her, the growing child cannot learn to bond with other people or to even process sights, sounds, and sensations.  Without the sound of human voices, a child's brain does not develop language comprehension or speaking skills.  Without looking at colors and textures, a baby's brain simply cannot develop the neural pathways it needs for visual skills."  The Connected Child, by Karyn Purvis. 

When asked this last week how we were doing, I said we were, overall, doing well.  Excitement is certainly the emotion that bubbles first to the top but underneath that lies something I have tried to keep pushed down.  I have done my best to suppress it, always worrying it would take the joy from this time and would leave people to think I wasn't excited to be bringing Jacob home.  But even with my best efforts to keep it pushed down, all too often, it seems to make it's way to the top and threaten to pull me under.  That emotion is fear. 

Fear, to this magnitude, is not something I have ever struggled with.  I remember the jitters of excited fear when standing in line for a roller coaster.  I can remember the "empty stomach" fear as I studied for and subsequently sat for my physical therapy boards.  I can even remember fear when I looked at our first son and wondered if I'd ever figure out how to be his Mommy.  But this fear is much different.  It's grounded not in parenting a child from another country, or even in bringing a child into our home through adoption.  It is grounded in the worry that I won't be enough to help my child heal.  That I will miss an important sign or message that he needs, or even worse, that he will never be able to get to the point that he does need me.  It is a gut wrenching, heart aching, and lack of feeling control kind of fear.

A friend this week, who is about to welcome two boys into her home that she will be fostering, shared with me her same struggles with feeling anxious.  She told me how her 10 year old son reminded her that being fearful was like we weren't trusting God.  Ouch!

This week in my studies I read about Esther.  Talk about fear!  She was faced with the choice to either say nothing out of fear for her life, or go before the king to save the Jewish nation.  You remember the story, her uncle (by the way, Esther was an orphan) told her in Esther 4:14, "And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this."  Esther then went on to save the Jews through her courage and boldness in addressing the king.  Interesting, it was not how Esther overcame her fear that caught my attention in this scripture passage, it was the steps Esther did to face her fear and trust God.  She said to Mordecai, "Go, gather all the Jews to be found in Susa, and hold a fast on my behalf, and do not eat or drink for three days, night or day.  I and my young women will also fast as you do.  Then I will go to the king, though it is against the law, and if I perish, I perish."  I loved that prior to Esther facing her fear, she got her priorities in order: First, ask God (and gather your forces to help)....then, trust God. 

So, dear friends and family.  I ask that you go before the Lord in the next two months for our family and our son, Jacob.  Need some specifics?  Pray.....
1. We might be able to overcome any attachment dysfunctions, neurological alterations, sensory processing deficits, and cognitive impairments often seen in institutionalized children.
2.  We can work through abandonment, loss, and grief issues with patience and progress.
3. Jacob might be able to let go of any shame, anxiety, and depression that has become a part of our little survivalists life and he would then let Mom and Dad be the bearers of those burdens. 
4. Safety while we travel.
5. That Jacob would be healthy without any illness when he joins us. 
6. For our 3 year old son that will be away from us for two weeks while we are gone (while your at it, throw Grandma and Grandpa in there who will be watching him.)
7. That we might be patient with each other in our transitions at home and away. 
8. All our documents would be up to date, with all information required for processing, and that our adoptive, medical, and American consulate appointments would go well.
9. That we might be able to visit Jacob's orphanage and the Middle School where he was first found.
10. That Chris and I would stay healthy on the trip, free from illness from food or water borne illnesses.
11. That no repair has been done on Jacob's lip and palate before we get him.  We would like to be with him through that process. 

Thank you always our dear friends and family for your love and support.  Our time has finally come!  Today, we received our travel approval and hope to get our American Consulate Appointment (ACS) by Monday.  We will then have the green light to book our flights and the date Jacob will be placed in our arms will be confirmed!  We are very excited........now, onto that second step I learned from Esther.......Trust God!

Rescue Me by Selah

• Songwriters: Christopher Eaton, James Todd Smith

Deep is the river that I have to cross
Heavy the weight on my shoulder
I have discovered how great is the cost
Of trying alone to cross over
I try and I try but the current's too strong
It's pulling me under and my strength is gone
Don't leave me stranded

Rescue me, my God and my King
Water is rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap Your arms all around me and
Carry me over, carry me over
(Rescue me)

There is a bridge that is easy to cross
While all of our burdens are lifted
Peace is the land that is waiting for us
Lord, give me faith to believe it
Cause I'm in a storm but I'm willing to fight
I'll overcome and I will not die with You by my side

Rescue me, my God and my King
Water's are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over, carry me over
(Rescue me)

I will sail over the oceans and
High over the mountains and
Soar up to the Heavens
Here is my hand is my heart
And my soul and my mind

Rescue me, my God and my King
The water's are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over

Estimated Travel Date

It has been an exciting 24 hours in our household.  This morning, our 3 year old bio son had his first swim lesson without Dad by his side.  We sat 15 yards away, behind a glass wall, with all the other "experienced" parents.  It was the longest 1/2 hour of my life!  I was worried he'd slip underwater, unbeknownst to all people and instructors, and we would have to hurdle two rows of parents, run through the glass door, and dive through one class of 4 year olds to save our little guy.  We were poised at the end of our chairs watching him like a hawk looking for prey in a cornfield.  The funniest thing happened.....he stayed above water!  He listened intently to his teacher, practiced the skills he was asked to do, sat on the edge with no  minimal wiggling, and had a smile on his face the whole time!  He was so intent on the task before him that there was not a single longing or forlorn look into the waiting area from my little guy.  Nope, all those types of looks were coming from me.  He did everything I would want him to do in my abscence, yet it makes me  sad to see that he is ready to do it.  Soon, he will no longer feel that he is an extension of Mom and Dad, but he will find that he is his own unique person, just as God created him to be.  

Yesterday, we received an email from our agency stating they have sent us our China travel packet.  While we will not be staying in Jacob's hometown, it looks like we will be close and our agency has said they will see if they can arrange a tour of his orphanage.  It is always a long shot and never a guarantee until your in it but we are really hoping this is somewhere we can visit.  I don't know why it is so important to me.  Certainly in the grand scheme of things we need to do on this trip (like completing an adoption and introducing ourselves to our son) it seems like it should be such a small thing.  I was lamenting this irrational feeling to a friend who has adopted and I told her I felt like if I can't see where he was found and I can't see where he has spent his life and I can't capture this part of his history, then I will have failed him from the start.  She very sweetly wrote me the best grounding message:  "If it helps, repeat to yourself:  “The Life book is a living document, and can be revised…. The Lifebook is a living document, and I can add to it as I learn more….  China is not falling off the face of the earth when our plane leaves, and there is always a chance we could go back and learn more if we need to….”

(Interruption in writing here......had to repeat it again a few times.)  

Of course, she was right.  If I can't get beyond my fear of "failure" as a parent, how am I ever going to make it through 6 months, let alone 6 hours once we're all together?  I have to give myself permission to desire these good intentions but then to be able to grieve these losses and move forward with progress.  I am thankful to my dear friends and family who are courageous enough to take me by the shoulders and tell me that we need to focus on the imperatives and let the smaller details (although nice) go until we can reorganize our efforts and brain power to where they need to be.

Like this morning, watching our son in the pool, I could have let my feelings of  fear overtake the joy and accomplishments that our son was achieving.  I am thankful that God gave me the presence of mind to slowly let go of my fear and enjoy his everpresent smile, sweet love of learning, and goofy goggles that seemed to overtake his little face.  It was beautiful watching this part of his journey to independence and self identity. 

Below is an unofficial travel agenda and they are estimating our leaving date as 11/2.  Feel free to read it as I retire for the night and repeat my mantra.  

(Yawn)...."The Lifebook is a living document....."

The tentative schedule would be:

Thursday, depart from the US

Friday, arrive in Beijing

Saturday, sightsee in Beijing

Sunday, travel to the child’s provincial capital city

Monday, meet your child and begin adoption paperwork

Tues, sign adoption documents and have documents notarized

Wed & Thurs, sightseeing in the province

Fri, fly to Guangzhou

Sat, medicals for the children in Guangzhou

Sun, free day

Mon, first request for ACS visa appointments for children under the age of 2. 

Tues, if your ACS apt was on Monday, you will receive your child’s visa

Wed, depart 

Home For Christmas!

So much exciting news to share since our last update!  We received our Seeking Confirmation Letter (SCL) from China last week, a full 5-9 weeks sooner than we were expecting.  We should be in the air and on our way in about two months!  Now we wait for our Travel Approval (TA) which they estimate to take about a month.  Lastly, we will make travel plans and apply for Visas.  The best part is he will likely be home for Christmas AND Thanksgiving!

In the midst of this expedited blessing, we had to speed up one very important detail.  A name.  We have Wei Gong Zhe's picture on our fridge and beside it a piece of paper with various names we have liked.  We wanted to give him a name from the Bible and have spent time in the stories of scripture and the meanings of scriptural names. The names Samuel and Jacob have come to the forefront and with the quick arrival of our SCL, we had run out of leisurely time in pondering this decision.  I kept looking at his picture and with his beautiful round cheeks and wide brown eyes, Jacob he looked like and Jacob he will be.

Now, you may be wondering.....Jacob?  From the Bible?  Wasn't he a schemer, liar and manipulator?  Well, yeah, he was.  Didn't he cheat his brother out of a birthright?  Yep, that's the same one.  Did I also mention he took on God in a wrestling match one night to force a blessing?  Not exactly a stellar representation of a blessed and praiseworthy man from the Bible.  But I ask you not to be too hard on Jacob.  When we take a close look at Jacob and his struggles (Genesis chapters 25-37, 42, 45-49), we see that we really aren't that much different.....I know I'm not. 

No doubt, Jacob struggled with God his entire life. As he matured in faith, Jacob depended on God more and more. As mentioned above, the turning point for Jacob came after a dramatic, all-night wrestling match with God. In the end the Lord touched Jacob's hip and he was a broken man, but also a new man. From that day forward, Jacob was called Israel. And for the rest of his life he walked with a limp, demonstrating his dependence on the Lord. Jacob finally learned to give up control to God.

There is something about that story that I have always been attracted to.  How can someone have the audacity to take on God in a wrestling match?  What human could ever win such a match?  But if I am honest with myself, I have known myself to meet God in the dead of light (even sometimes in the revealing brightness of daylight), taking him on and demanding my own will.  I have certainly done it time and time again in our adoption process.  Like Jacob, it took a "breaking" of sorts to my own demands to bend my will to God's and enable me to be a new man. 

So to you, our dear Jacob Wei Lutz.  It is our hope that in this journey of life, where only a small portion will be walked with Mom and Dad by your side, you will allow God to break and humble you and your will many, many, many times.  Through this process you will emerge a new man, a stronger man, a better man---not because of who you are, but because of who God is.  To Him be the glory our dear son for all that you are and all that you will be.  We love you!