Another Spin on the Carousel



Homecoming


I am always amazed at the lessons I get in my own selfishness.  Years ago as a newlywed, I came to understand in a great way how selfish I was.  One night when I was wallowing in my "misery" that I wasn't getting my way about something, I realized how unfair I was in trying to manipulate my husband to get what I wanted.  It was like God put a yield sign in front of me and said, "Look what you're doing and look at whom you're doing it to."  It was one of those gifts that changed my life and how I interact in it and with others.  It was a lesson to learn about my sinful nature but expanded exponentially my gratefulness for the cross.   

The lesson I received early in my marriage gave me no mastery of this selfish nature but it helped me to recognize it and take less spins on that carousel once I got on.  I had another real good bout of it after giving birth to my son.  I grieved heavily the loss of my independence and my choice to leave my profession to be at home. 

Jacob's first 30 hours in our home have been "challenging."  My frustrations hit their peak last night after  Jacob went down at 9:00 PM for his "nap" and awoke three hours later. He was not to hit a good deep sleep again until 7:00 AM, one hour before our other son gets up.  I took another spin on the carousel that night.  "Lord", I prayed, "I just need sleep.  How can I be the epitome of a parent that wants to bond when I am so exhausted and resenting where I am right now?"

So here I am the second night at 3:00 AM in the morning.  Jacob and I slept from 9:00 PM- 3:00 AM.  A huge victory.  Not only in the sleep but that I have gotten off the carousel.  I looked at him at 3:00 AM and said, "Good job little buddy." 

Getting off that carousel can be hard but I am thankful that I can.  I have had so much love and wisdom to get me this far:

• I have learned to forgive myself.  The redeeming work has already been done and I get to bask in it.....I have learned to grasp onto it so I don't miss the fullness this life has to offer that my inability to forgive could steal from me and my family. 

• I have surrounded myself with wise people. I have been blessed to have people that have spoken truth into my life and encouraged me.  I know genuine love from a remarkable and supportive biological family, a church family, and good friends.  It is the greatest thing in the world.

• I have adoptive friends that have been real with me.  They told me of their honest struggles and things to expect when we received Jacob.  What a remarkable gift that was.  There were times in China I looked at Jacob and thought, "I don't know if I can attach to you.  I don't know if I am selfless enough to be what you need.  What have I done?"  My friends told me these moments would come and when they did, I was able to see them for what they were.  Not a reflection of my love and dedication to Jacob but a reflection of my selfishness.  I did not wallow in the shame as I might have done had I not been prepared for these feelings. 

• I have focused on the positives.  Last night as I was praying for sleep there was some work being done.  For one, we were able to sit and be in the same room with the dog without screaming in fear (I think we may have even let her get a few sniffs in!).  Jacob and I also had some time alone to explore the house, play with a few toys and understand each other a little better. 

I know I will get back on that carousel again.  ("I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. Romans 7:15")  By the Grace of God, I have received the ability to get off.